


The Grass is Greener Outside

by gluedwithgold



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Anxiety Disorder, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Jared/OMC (briefly), Kissing, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Neighbors, Panic Attacks, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:26:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6308818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluedwithgold/pseuds/gluedwithgold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has an anxiety disorder and hasn't left his apartment in months. But when Jared moves in to the apartment next door, his life will change drastically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been a long time coming - I've been working on it for nearly four months, with life, writer's block and writer's insecurity getting in the way, but it's finally finished and I'm very happy with it. Through it all, my dear friends [Dancing_Adrift](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift) and [non_tiembo_mala](http://archiveofourown.org/users/non_tiembo_mala) have been there with me encouraging, inspiring, beta-ing, cheerleading, and generally keeping me afloat. I couldn't have done it without you, darlings, and I love you both! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do have experience with anxiety disorders, but not agoraphobia specifically. I did my best to research the disorder so I could portray it as accurately as possible, but it is, after all, just a figment of my writer's imagination. 
> 
> Enjoy! Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome, and kudos give me warm fuzzies inside! <3

Jensen sits in the large front window watching the traffic and pedestrians two floors below his apartment. He rests his temple against the cool glass, his breath leaving foggy circles with each slow exhalation. He’s been spending more and more time here, doing just this, over the past few months - his mind empty of its clutter of thoughts, his body relaxed, calm, just watching his Boston neighborhood go by. 

A large, jagged circle of fog spreads across the glass when he exhales sharply at the sight of him. Tall, broad-shouldered, soft chestnut hair flowing down the back of his neck, just brushing his shoulders. His movements fluid and graceful. His biceps stretch the fabric of his t-shirt as he hefts what looks like a rather heavy table down from the bed of the U-Haul, his left forearm a roadmap of curving black lines making up a tribal sleeve tattoo. He carries the table across the sidewalk toward the steps of the brownstone. Jensen’s breath catches in his throat at the realization - this gorgeous man is moving in…  to  _ this  _ building.

Maybe. He could be helping a friend. And even if he is moving in, he may not be gay. Or interested. And when was the last time Jensen had the balls to meet someone new? Or even say hello? Wishful thinking.  _ At least he’s nice to look at,  _ Jensen thinks. He turns from the window and walks across the living room to the kitchen, sets the tea kettle on to boil, grabs a mug from the cupboard, a teabag. 

A loud thump from the apartment next door startles Jensen - it’s been more than a month since he’s heard any movement over there. Oh. Right. Mr. Gorgeous is moving in -  _ right next door _ . The only empty apartment in the building. Maybe Jensen can borrow a cup of sugar? Yeah. Because that wouldn’t make him come off like a 90-year-old grandma. Or transparently desperate. The tea kettle screeches and Jensen rolls his eyes at himself, then sets about filling his mug. 

He settles back into the window seat, his steaming mug adding a long streak of fog to the circles from his breath, just in time to see Mr. Gorgeous pull himself up into the back of the truck with his long legs, thighs bulging against denim with the effort. He leans back against the glass, sipping at his milky, honey-sweet tea. 

It’s maybe twenty minutes later when a car pulls up behind the U-Haul just as Prince Gorgeous (yes, he’s been upgraded - from the moment he ran after an elderly woman to give her back a piece of paper from her pocket she’d dropped, his smile bright enough to chase the darkness of midnight away) pulls a large box from the bed of the truck, clearly labeled ‘BOOKS’ in bold, black marker. A man gets out of the car and walks up to him as he stacks the box on top of the previous one he’d pulled out. The new man places a hand to the small of Prince Gorgeous’s back. They exchange a few words, smiles. They embrace. Close. Tight. Not a man-hug with arms caught between them and obligatory back-thumping; intimate. Then Prince Gorgeous leans down and presses his lips to the other man’s mouth, arms still tightly wrapped around his shoulders. He steps forward, pushing the other man back a few paces until he’s pinned against the side of the truck with their bodies - chests, stomachs, legs, hips - pressed tightly together. Okay. So he happens to be gay. And obviously taken. There goes that fantasy. Jensen lets out a long sigh as he watches the two men finally separate, each of them hefting up a box and heading for the door of the building, followed a minute later by shuffling and scraping mixed with low voices from next door.  _ No use torturing myself, _ Jensen thinks as he retreats from the window to flop down on the couch and pick up a book. 

The apartment is dark when Jensen opens his eyes, his book laying on his chest with his thumb caught between the pages where he’d been holding it open. He glances across the room at the clock after rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger - 10:37. He drops the book onto the coffee table, stretches, sits up. He looks around his silent living room for a moment before getting up and half-staggering to the bedroom. He sheds his jeans and t-shirt, then falls into the bed with a sigh, pulling the covers up to his chest. He’s nearly asleep again when a thump from the other side of the wall shakes the bed lightly. Then there’s the sound of deep laughter, rustling, a few minutes of silence. Goddamn these walls are thin. Another thump, then… is that? Oh, great. Yeah. That’s moaning. Jensen sighs as his eyes fly open to stare at the dark ceiling. Another thump that shakes the bed. Another moan. A throaty ‘oh, god’. A louder ‘oh fuck, yes!’ Jensen slaps a hand over his eyes and takes a deep breath.  _ Don’t listen. Stop listening. _ He tries to think about the book he’s reading.  _ The Wildlings are about to attack Castle Black…  _ ‘fuck! yes! fuck me!’ Another thump. Then another. And another… thump… thump… thump. ‘Oh… oh god…’ The thumping growing faster now, more rhythmic, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump Jensen feels his dick straining against his boxers as he wonders who is on top… thump thump thump ‘oh fuckyes’ thump thump thump then another voice  _ ‘god _ Jared you feel so good on my cock’ thump thump thump thump thump. He shouldn’t. He knows he shouldn’t. But screw it, it’s as close as he’s gonna get anytime soon, so… Jensen’s right hand slides under the covers, slides under the elastic of his shorts, slides around the head of his dick, thumb slides over the bead of precome and spreads it, fingers tightening their grip… thump thump thump a little faster and louder as Jensen begins stroking at the same pace, hips arching up, cock pushing through his hand, breath growing shallow, faster… ‘Fuck… harder… fuck me harder…’ and the thumping gets louder still and ‘oh god yes!’ faster and Jensen’s hand grips tighter and a quiet moan slips from his throat thumpthumpthumpthumpthump is Prince Gorgeous Jared? Thumpthumpthump ‘oh fuck… so close…’ thumpthumpthumpthumpthump ‘shit! yes! I’m gonna…’ Jensen moans again, a little louder and he’s tensing all over, his back arched up off the bed, his vision exploding into white thumpthumpthumpthumpthump ‘fuck yessssss!’ and Jensen’s feeling the warm wet of his come on his stomach, toes curling, releasing, his breath coming in short quick gasps and then he’s relaxing back onto the bed and…  _ holy crap _ that was the hardest he’s come in months.  _ Damn, thanks Jared, _ Jensen thinks as he reaches out to the nightstand for a tissue, wipes himself clean before rolling onto his side and drifting off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared drops his book as he darts up from the chair and hurries across the room to the washer that’s shaking and banging furiously all of a sudden. He lets out a groan and a muttered  _ son of a bitch _ after lifting the lid and seeing the drum full of murky, soapy water that he now needs to stick his hand into in order to rearrange the unbalanced load of sopping wet clothing. 

He’s elbow deep in the water when he hears the door to the laundry room open behind him. He turns around to give a smile and a sheepish shrug to the man walking up to the free washer with his own basket of laundry as he maneuvers a heavy sweatshirt to the other side of the drum with a sloshing sound, then pulls his arm out. He shakes his dripping forearm off while looking around for something to dry off with. The man at the machine next to him pulls a hand towel from his basket and holds it out to him. 

“Here, use this,” he says, his voice quiet, his hand shaking slightly. Jared takes the towel from him and looks up with a smile to meet his eyes… holy shit, those eyes… his breath catches before he can get a word out because he’s staring into a pair of eyes so green they can only have come from summer itself. They’re framed by feathery long lashes that curl into blond tips that just brush his skin and oh god that skin, all smooth and sprinkled with freckles and just  _ there,  _ in front of him with those eyes… Jared blinks - finally - and sucks in a breath as he wipes the soapy water from his arm and hands back the towel. 

“Thanks. Good timing.” Jared can’t help but smile again as the man takes the towel back, drops it into the washer while a smile slowly creeps up to his full - oh shit, he didn’t even notice those yet - lips and he turns away bashfully to pull his bottle of detergent from the basket. Jared turns his attention back to his own machine, closing the lid and pressing the start button to get it running again. His mind wanders briefly to Keith - his  _ boyfriend -  _ and dammit he shouldn’t be looking at this guy like this, but he can’t help but be intrigued, and what’s the harm in looking, anyway? And he really should start to meet his neighbors, so he stretches out his now-dry hand toward the man. “I’m Jared. I just moved in last week.”  

“Oh, I’m J-Jensen,” he says, voice still quiet as he takes Jared’s hand in his to shake firmly. Jared swears he can feel his hand trembling, his eyes darting away quickly after meeting his own for just a moment. “Nice to… to meet you.” 

Jared smiles again when Jensen’s eyes meet his once more, lingering for a moment longer this time, his lips part slightly as though he’s about to say something else, but they snap shut again and he turns abruptly back to the washer with his face flushing red. He pushes the start button, the machine whirs to life, then he drops his bottle of Tide back in his basket, picks it up and turns away from the machine. Jared barely hears the ‘Bye’ he mutters as he walks back to the door and leaves the laundry room, hurried as though he just remembered he left cookies in the oven. 

Jared stares at the closed door for a few moments before huffing out a short laugh. He replays the short exchange with Jensen in his mind, and decides the shyness is as endearing as those eyes are mesmerizing. And those lips, holy crap, what those lips could do… stop it, boyfriend, remember? So just stop. He flops back down in the chair and picks up his book again to stare at the words on the page, but all he can really see is the green of summer. 

***

Jensen leans back against the door after it’s firmly shut, his laundry basket sliding from his hand to clunk to the floor, and lets out the breath he’s been holding since he turned to walk - and it took all he had to  _ walk _ , not run - out of the laundry room. His face is still burning hot from the memory of the night Jared moved in and the realization of just  _ which  _ of the two men it was getting fucked that night. The memory that hit him in vivid detail while he was standing right in front of the one who felt so good around the other one’s cock, staring right into his eyes that, yeah, turns out, are a mix of colors - blue and green and brown swirling like a kaleidoscope that would steal your soul if you looked into them too long. The memory that hit him while he was standing there right in front of Prince Gorgeous, shaking the tall man’s hand and introducing himself while he took in the details of his face, the row of silver hoops running up one ear that his wavy hair curls around, the small hoop in his perfect eyebrow above those hypnotising eyes and that sweet pointed nose and those soft, curved lips and goddammit why does his dick have to have a mind of its own? He was about to point out that he lived right next door when the stupid thing started pressing up against his jeans and no way he was going to stick around and let  _ that  _ happen. Crap. 

Jensen slides down the door and sits on the floor, scrubs his hands down over his face. The up-close-and-personal version of Prince Gorgeous -  _ Jared  _ \- is so much better than the view-from-the-window and voice-through-the-wall version. Or so much worse. Jensen lets out a huff of air when he realizes he’s going to have to go back down there to the laundry room in half an hour and he’s going to have to face the embarrassment of not only having heard the man having sex, but having practically run out like a scared rabbit from an introduction. No more laundry on Friday nights. But then there will be the running into him in the hallway. And at the mail boxes, and…

Jensen’s breathing speeds up until he’s nearly panting, his whole body shaking, sweat beading up on his temples and sliding down his cheek. His heart thumps in his chest, punching against his ribs in that all too familiar way that sends spasms of trembling throughout his body, until that tight band wraps around his chest and his vision starts to turn dark around the edges. His blood is pumping so fast through his veins he can hear it thrumming and whooshing in his ears. He closes his eyes, inhales slowly - one, two, three, four -  _ remember this feeling will pass _ \- then exhales - one, two, three, four -  _ it’ll be over in just a few minutes _ \- inhale one, two, three, four -  _ just let it go, you’re not in danger _ \- exhale one, two, three, four -  _ it’s already getting better, you’re going to be fine _ \- inhale one, two, three, four -  _ blood is slowing down, chest isn’t so tight now _ \- exhale one, two, three, four -  _ there goes the trembling, it’s almost over _ \- inhale one, two, three, four -  _ you can breath normally now, it’s all okay _ \- exhale one, two, three, four…

He opens his eyes and swipes away the sweat on his face, looking around the apartment with wide eyes. He’s used to panic attacks when he leaves the building, which he’s managed to avoid doing unless absolutely necessary for the past six months. But this is getting bad - he’s starting to get scared of leaving the apartment now. Because of a man he knows isn’t even available? He lets out a long sigh, letting his arms fall loose to his sides, defeated.  _ ‘Hermitville, here I come,’ _ he thinks. 

***

Jared steps out into the hallway, laundry basket under his arm, just in time to see Jensen standing at the door to the next apartment, key in lock, his own basket of folded laundry wedged against his hip. He smiles, opens his mouth to say hello, get his attention - but before he can make a sound the door clicks open and Jensen is through it, pushing it closed again with a snick and the snap of the lock turning. Jared shrugs as he continues down the hallway toward the stairwell. Maybe Jensen didn’t see him… standing right there, three feet away, his six-foot-five frame filling up the hallway. Had to have seen him. Can he really be that shy? Maybe it’s not shyness, maybe he’s a cranky bastard who doesn’t like people. But it didn’t seem that way when he offered a towel in the laundry room, and he could have sworn there was a look on his face when they shook hands. The guy was definitely checking him out. 

Jared reaches the laundry room, pulls his clothes from the dryer and piles them on the table to fold. He’s still replaying the earlier interaction with Jensen over and over in his mind. The gentleness of his voice as he offered the towel. The bashful smile he tried to hide. The way he seemed to freeze when their eyes met. The trembling of his hand when they shook. The deep red of his blush. No, none of that was imagined. Not misinterpreted. But neither was the stiffness of his shoulders as he unlocked his door just now. And Jared is  _ almost  _ sure he saw his head just finish snapping front when he stepped into the hallway. What the hell? 

He looks down at his hands and realizes he’s had the same t-shirt half-folded for who knows how long now. He shakes his head to clear the imagery. Boyfriend. Right. Keith. The man he’s spent the past six months with. Sexy, sweet Keith with his adorable giggle. The one he laughs with, talks books with, shared his horrifying coming out story with - the story he’s never told anyone before, but he told Keith late one night while they were curled around each other in bed, his voice just a whisper because saying it out loud would have been just too much. Keith who just listened and held him close and let him cry over the loss of his family for the first time since it happened ten years ago.

Jared sighs and drops the last balled up pair of socks into the basket.  _ You’re an idiot,  _ he thinks, because even after listing all the wonderful things about Keith, the only thing he can see in his mind are those vibrant, summer-green eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen freezes when he hears the knock, the plate he’d just washed and rinsed hovering in mid-air where he was about to set it into the slot in the dish drainer. No one visits him, no one comes to his apartment, he wouldn’t be getting a delivery on a Saturday. He can’t remember the last time he heard a knock on his door. He takes a deep breath, sets the plate down and picks up a dish towel to dry his hands. He tries to ignore the churning in his stomach as he crosses into the living room and approaches the door. He leans forward, closing one eye to look through the peephole. Standing there waiting is Jared, his head turned, looking down the hallway with his perfect profile on display, his strong chin and high cheekbones framed beautifully in the round viewfinder. 

He takes another deep breath as he puts his fingers on the lock, pausing before he turns it. Don’t freak out, he’s just a neighbor. He’s not available anyway so there’s no need to get nervous. He blows the breath out slowly, letting his eyes close before inhaling again, letting it out to the count of four. It’s okay. Just be friendly. He turns the lock, drops his hand to the knob and turns, pulling the door open. Jared immediately turns his gaze to him with a wide grin.

“Hey. Sorry to bother you, but, I got some of your mail by mistake,” he says, that stupid, beautiful smile plastered across his face as he holds up the two envelopes. Jensen feels his face flushing, heat rising up to his cheeks, the tips of his ears burning. 

“Oh, uh… thanks,” he mumbles, willing his hand to stay steady as he reaches up to take the mail from Jared. Their fingers brush as he closes his hand around the papers, a jolt of trembling rushing up his arm.  _ Remember, not available anyway. _ He forces himself to look up, smile. Jared’s eyes seem to be laser-focused on him, expectant. His mind races, trying to come up with something more to say, something he won’t stutter over… but then Jared tilts his head slightly, speaks again.

“So, we’re neighbors I guess… I’m right next door.” Jared’s smile widens, brightens, his eyes glinting. Jensen feels his face heat up more, sweat starting to bead at his temple. His shaking hands grip at the envelopes, bending them between his fingers. 

“I… yeah, I n-noticed.” Jensen tries to smile, but it feels like a sneer with his anxiety ratcheting up and he has to break the eye contact, looks to the right, away from Jared down the empty hallway. He takes a deep breath, forces himself to turn back, to look back at those hypnotising kaleidoscope eyes. Jared’s expression has darkened a bit, his brow furrowed in confusion. 

“Look, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot here… did I say something to offend you yesterday? The way you took off from the laundry room…” Jared shifts his weight to one foot, the confusion on his face turning to concern, his eyes softening. Jensen barely holds back the gasp as his eyes grow wide, realizing the impression he’s made. His chest begins to tighten, his breathing quickening - this man is just being nice, trying to make friends in his new home, and this stupid anxiety has him worried he’s done something wrong. 

“No! I… no, it’s… I’m…” Jensen flounders, his brain spinning with the chaos of trying to speak, wanting to blurt out that he has a problem and he doesn’t mean to be rude, and at the same time wishing he could pretend to be normal because he’s ashamed of his inability to function like a normal human being. His chest is tightening more, his heart pounding, a bead of sweat letting loose to drip down his temple. He feels the heat of tears welling up in his eyes. “I have to go.” 

He steps back from the doorframe and pushes the door shut quickly but quietly. At least he didn’t slam it in the poor guy’s face. He turns from the door and the tears spill over, running down his cheeks. He takes in a stuttering breath, drops the crumpled letters on the small console table by the door. He hurries to the couch to sit before the dizziness from his rapid breathing takes over. The tears keep falling as he works his way through the breathing exercise to calm himself down. 

When he finally relaxes he wipes the sweat and still-falling tears from his face. He sits there on the sofa, limp-limbed and staring off across the room at nothing. This can’t keep getting worse. It’s bad enough he has to take a pill to go get a haircut, but now it’s invading his home, his only remaining sanctuary. It’s getting to the point where he either needs to do something to fix this or give up completely, and, well, that’s just not an option. 

***

Jared stands staring at the closed door of his neighbor’s apartment, his jaw dropped slightly, mouth hanging open. A string of thoughts, mostly consisting of  _ what the fuck was that all about?  _ race through his head as he stands there. The guy was clearly stressed… maybe he was going to be sick? After a few moments he shakes his head, knocking himself back into reality and stopping the repeating replay of both of his interactions with Jensen. The guy clearly denied being offended by Jared, so he has to take it as truth. As much as he wants to be friendly with the people around him, some people just aren’t into socializing. But there’s still something about the way the guy looks at him…

Later that night, all thoughts of his new neighbor are banished as Jared sucks his boyfriend's nipple between his lips; his dick is caught between Keith’s thighs and he’s rutting against him as he works his tongue over the hard nub, flicking at it fast and hard until Keith is arching his back and groaning. Keith’s hand slides around to the back of Jared’s neck, fingers curling into his hair as he tugs him off his nipple and upward, slamming his mouth against Jared’s as soon as he’s within reach. Jared’s hips are still thrusting, their cocks now lined up, sliding against each other, pulling out low moans from each of them that get caught between their mouths, spiralling around their tongues that are fucking against each other desperately. Keith pulls his mouth away, tugging at Jared’s hair to turn his head, give him access to his long, sweat-sheened neck. 

“Ungh, fuck, I need to get my dick inside you,” Keith mutters into his neck as he sucks and bites, teeth scraping against Jared’s salty skin, leaving a trail of red marks. Jared moans loudly at the words and his knees spread, straddling Keith, hips sliding upward to position his ass closer to Keith’s cock. “Oh fuck yeah, ride it Jared… fuck.” Jared leans up to sitting, reaches across to the nightstand, grabbing a condom and ripping it open. He rolls it down onto Keith’s dick, then reaches back to the nightstand, flicking open the bottle of lube and squeezing some out on his fingers. He reaches down to wrap his hand around Keith’s shaft, slicking it up, guiding it to his hole - they already fucked once tonight, he’s already open, ready - then slides himself down onto it with a guttural moan that sounds like the relief of finally coming home. Jared leans forward, plants his hands on either side of Keith’s shoulders, takes Keith’s mouth, tongue first, and begins thrusting his hips forwards and back, working himself up and down on his boyfriend's cock. His mouth pulls away, hovering open as he starts moaning with the movement. 

“Oh fuck… son of a… fuck yes!” Jared’s incoherent string of curses falls from his lips as his eyes clench closed, Keith’s hips now joining the movement, thrusting up to meet each of Jared’s downward plunges, the combined movement impaling Jared’s ass with Keith’s dick, their rhythm growing quicker, harder, both of them moaning and grunting and Jared blurting out, “Fuck… shit… oh god, fuck me!” 

They’re fucking fast now, the bed thumping against the wall with each jabbing thrust that’s bringing Jared closer to the edge, Keith can feel it coming so he’s fucking up harder, Jared’s grunting with each thrust and… right above his head on the wall he hears it, timed perfectly in between the thump of the bed hitting the wall. Tap tap tap. His head snaps up to stare, stunned, at the wall as he continues riding Keith’s cock. He hears it again, light but insistent, still perfectly timed. Tap tap tap. It hits Jared, washes over him like an orgasm… Jensen. His brief peek into the adjoining apartment earlier today makes it all dawn on him - Jensen’s bedroom is on the other side of the wall, the two apartments laid out exactly opposite each other.  _ Oh my God.  _ Jensen, with his stunning eyes and his freckles and those lips Jared can’t stop thinking about sucking… Jensen who blushes and stutters at the sight of him, who ran out of the laundry room - like a teenaged boy with an ill-timed hard-on - no wonder he was embarrassed.  _ Oh, oh my God _ . Oh fuck, Jensen can hear all of this. Beautiful Jensen is on the other side of that wall, right now, listening…  _ fuck, fuck, fuck…  _

"Oh my GOD!” Jared is coming, shooting high on his own chest and down across Keith’s, his whole body tensed so tight he’s stopped moving altogether, his hole gripping so hard Keith’s thrusts are all but stilled, his vision gone blurry and white, his fingers and toes curled to the point of cramping and holy fucking shit he’s dizzy with the intensity and,  _ Jesus… fucking Jensen! _ His orgasm finally starts to recede, his body letting go. Keith’s still fucking him, his head turned sideways and panting through his own climax. Jared starts thrusting again to work him through it but he’s still staring at that wall, feeling the blood pounding through his veins, thumping through his whole body until finally Keith stops, breathing heavy and reaching up to wrap his arms around Jared, pulling him down close to pepper his face with kisses… but all Jared can think about is his mesmerizing, mysterious neighbor.

***

Keith’s been sound asleep, lightly snoring for over an hour now. It’s nearly one in the morning and Jared is nowhere near sleep. After he’d finished feeling guilty for coming so hard - really, he thinks that was a record-breaking orgasm - thinking about his neighbor, he’d started going over all the interactions he’d had with Jensen. Pieces started coming together, and he thinks he understands now. He slides out of bed, tugging the covers up over Keith and throwing on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He crosses the bedroom and pulls the door shut quietly behind him. 

Jared grabs a notebook from the bookshelf, a pen from the basket on the coffee table, then sits down on the couch, propping the pad up on his bent knees. He pauses for just a minute, then puts the pen to the blank page. 

_ “Jensen -  _

_ Sorry about the noise. Just realized our bedrooms share a wall. I’ll make sure things are quieter from now on.  _

_ I apologize for making you uncomfortable, too. Finally recognized what’s going on - my mother struggled with bad anxiety the whole time I was growing up - I get it. If you ever need any help, someone who understands - I’m right next door.  _

_ Your Neighbor - _

_ Jared” _

He reads over the note, smiles, then tears the page from the notebook, folding it in half as he gets up from the couch. He quietly opens the door, walks down the hall to Jensen’s door and slips it under. He yawns as he returns to his apartment to quietly slip back into bed next to Keith and drift off to sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen wanders from the bedroom, bleary eyed from sleep, shuffling across the floor to the kitchen. He blindly fumbles with the coffee maker, leaning his elbows on the counter with his eyes closed as it starts gurgling and dripping, the bitter scent wafting towards his nostrils. It's just five minutes later when its grumbling hollows out and comes to a steamy-sounding stop, the pot half full of the rich, black liquid. Jensen pulls his favorite mug from the dish drainer and fills it, breathing in deeply as the aroma fills the air around him. He takes a sip, savoring the hot, bitter flavor on his tongue before heading to the living room. It’s then, as he’s passing the door for the second time, he notices the stark white of the sheet of paper on the floor. He scoops it up and unfolds it, scans the blocky, slightly tilted handwriting quickly before his eyes light on the signature - Jared. And he’s now standing, gape-mouthed, in the middle of his living room reading the short note over and over, his hands trembling more and more with each pass. 

He breaks himself from the trance, folds the paper over again and walks back to the bedroom with his coffee in one hand, the note in the other. He sets them both on the nightstand as he sits down on the bed, his back propped against the headboard for his usual Sunday morning ritual of coffee and reading in bed. He pulls the book from the nightstand, drops it in his lap then gathers up his mug to take a deep drink. He glances at the note again as he sets the cup back down, sighs and picks it up. He reads it over one more time. 

He’d laid in bed last night, listening to Jared having sex again, with his dick painfully hard and his stomach churning. He’d realized Jared probably wouldn’t have noticed how thin the walls are - Jensen is very quiet the majority of the time so the odds of Jared having heard any noise from his apartment are slim. He agonized over how to subtly clue him in, and finally decided to try tapping on the wall. After three tries, the moaning and cursing only seemed to get louder so he’d flopped back down on his bed, wrapped his pillow over his ears and tried to go to sleep. 

_ Guess he got the hint _ , Jensen thinks as he slides the note back on the nightstand. Just then he hears a loud scraping sound from the other side of the wall, followed by the low murmur of voices that slowly grow louder until Jensen is able to make out the words without really trying to listen. 

“This is stupid Jared, no way that was your neighbor - it was probably just the pipes rattling in the walls.”

“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t - either way it’s not a big deal, just help me move the bed?” 

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Another loud scrape, the bed frame sliding across the floor apparently. “Everyone who lives in apartment buildings hears their neighbors!” 

“Jesus, Keith, have you never heard of being considerate? Just help me move the fucking bed, please?” Jensen can hear the bed being moved, the sound growing slightly fainter as it pulls away from the wall. There’s muttering as the furniture makes its way to the other side of the room, then Jared is nearly yelling. “For fuck’s sake, stop acting like such a dick! It’s just a bed!” 

A few seconds later a door slams, one of them retreating to the bathroom, and then it’s silent. Jensen’s face is burning red, his stomach roiling and his whole body shaking. He’d seen nothing but kindness from Jared, from his returning a lost paper to a stranger on the street, to his friendliness (or attempts, at least) toward Jensen, to his offer of help in his note - and now Jensen has caused a fight between him and his boyfriend. Yeah, that’s just great. Way to be a good neighbor. 

After berating himself for a few more minutes, Jensen's mind drifts back to the note and its offer of help, the clear understanding of the issues he's struggled with for so many years, ever since…  _ yeah don’t think about that, remembering what started this whole thing only makes it worse. _ He's never experienced someone really understanding it, and it's led to Jensen losing most of the people in his life, simply because he couldn't make them understand and they’d grown to consider him a burden. And now, literally dropped on his doorstep, is someone he didn't even have to say it to out loud. 

Jensen sighs and lets his head drop against the headboard with a thunk.  _ Too good to be true, _ he thinks, then picks up his book to lose himself in the story on the pages.

***

Keith storms out of the bathroom, washed up and fully dressed, and heads for the living room without even glancing at Jared sitting on the bed waiting for him. Jared follows him out of the room, grabs his elbow to stop him before he can open the door and leave. 

“Keith, c’mon, sit down and talk to me.”

“Oh, now you want to talk to the inconsiderate dick?”

“Keith.” Jared’s voice is tired with just a hint of a sigh. He watches Keith's shoulders drop as he lets out a long breath. 

“You know we wouldn't be having this fight if you’d just moved in with me.”

“No, we’d be having a much worse fight. I told you I'm just not ready for that.” 

“I don't get why this neighbor is such a big deal, Jared. Do you have the hots for him or something?”

“No, Keith… Jesus.” Jared turns his back to Keith, walks across the room to stare out the window. “The guy has trouble with anxiety… can barely say hello and I think it’s because he can hear us.” 

“Yeah? Why is that our problem?”

Jared turns and just stares at his boyfriend, his mouth hanging slightly open. He’s spent the past six months with the man and never would have guessed he’d have this kind of attitude, this kind of life view. 

“It's not our problem, Keith… it's… My mom had anxiety, she was agoraphobic - barely left the house the whole time I was growing up. So I know what the guy is going through. I just thought it’d be a nice thing to do to make life a little easier for the guy.”

“Why do you even care? He's not a friend, he just happens to live next door.”

“Really?” Jared steps away from the window, crosses the room to meet Keith face to face again. “Are you really that cold?” 

Keith stares up at Jared, lips parting slightly, then closing again. Jared returns the stare, waiting for his response, his stomach churning with anger and disappointment - how could he not have seen this sooner? Keith finally breaks the stare, turning toward the door again.

“I have to go.” 

“Keith.”

“What?” Keith spits, hand resting on the doorknob. 

“If that’s really how you feel…” Jared lets out a long breath. “Don’t come back.” 

Keith squares his shoulders, turns the knob and opens the door. He takes the step across the threshold then turns, looking back at Jared. 

“Bye, Jared,” Keith says quietly before pulling the door closed behind him. Jared huffs out a sigh before turning to drop down onto the couch. He leans forward, elbows on his knees and rubs his eyes with thumb and forefinger, trying unsuccessfully to push back the tears that have emerged.

***

Jensen’s table is littered with crumpled sheets of paper arching in a semi-circle around the blank notepad in front of him. The drafts of his reply to Jared’s note have gotten increasingly shorter, starting with a full explanation of how much it means to him to have someone nearby that understands his anxiety, to the last crumpled page that simply said he wanted to let Jared know how thin the walls are. He chews on the cap of his pen mindlessly as he goes over the words in his head repeatedly, his stomach churning with the indecision. He finally pulls the pen from his teeth and lowers it to the page. 

_ “Jared, _

_ Thank you. _

_ Jensen” _

He stares at the page, scrutinizing each letter, judging its legibility. He tears the page off, crumples it and starts to write again. 

_ “Thank you. _

_ Jensen.” _

Before he can second guess himself and shorten the note even more, or give up altogether and not respond, he tears the page from the pad and quickly walks out the door and up the hallway, shoving it under Jared’s door before retreating back to his apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. 


	5. Chapter 5

Jared wakes on the couch to find his apartment dark, the last bits of daylight surrounded by shadows outside the windows. He lets out a sigh as the memory of this morning’s fight with Keith and resulting breakup - _did_ they break up? - floods back into his sleep-hazy mind. He’d cried a bit after Keith walked out, but then he just felt - relieved. It felt like he’d let out a breath he’d been holding far past the point of comfort and now he could relax, inhale and exhale at will. He hadn’t realized how uncomfortable and forced the relationship had been until he was presented with the possibility of not having it. It felt right, letting Keith go.

He sits up, reaches his long arms up and back over the edge of the couch, stretching the kinks out of his back. As he gets up and heads to the kitchen to start some dinner he sees the slip of paper on the floor in front of the door. He smiles as he bends down to pick it up, already fairly certain he knows what it is. He chuckles, shaking his head as he reads the three words on the page. _Poor guy is even shy in a note,_ he thinks.

Jared sets the note on the kitchen counter then goes about emptying a can of soup into a pot on the stove and making a sandwich. As he’s waiting for the soup to finish heating through, he picks up his phone from its charger on the counter. There’s one new text message that came through while he was sleeping. It’s from Keith.

He taps the notification to bring up the message window. ‘I won’t be back. Just wanted to be clear.’ Jared sighs. Question answered. He hits reply, types in a message - ‘Take care, Keith.’ - and hits send. He sighs and leans back against the counter. He shouldn’t feel so sad about this. The guy was a douche. But he didn’t _know_ he was a douche till this morning. He figures he’s allowed to mourn what he _thought_ he had.

After he eats his dinner, Jared is washing the dishes and happens to glance up at the shelf above the sink. There’s bottle of whiskey sitting there, a thin layer of dust settled on the edges of the glass. He smirks at the idea that forms in his mind. He doesn’t drink often, but tonight would be a good night for it. And you really shouldn’t drink alone.

He takes a quick shower, dresses in a comfortable pair of jeans and his favorite t-shirt. He grabs the bottle from the counter where he’d set it after wiping the dust off, heads out the door and down the hall. He knocks three times on the door. When Jensen opens the door a few seconds later, he’s got his bottom lip caught between his teeth and his face is already red.

“Hey. I’ve had a shitty day, and don’t like to drink alone,” Jared says, smiling as he holds up the bottle of whiskey. “Was wondering if you’d have a drink with me?”

Jared watches as Jensen’s eyes grow rounder, that bright green seeming to glow with more white surrounding it, though for once he doesn’t turn away. Jared raises his eyebrows as he waits for Jensen to decide, still smiling. He realizes he’s being more persistent with Jensen than is probably comfortable for him, but he can’t help it. He wants to get to know him. His smile broadens as he sees Jensen let out the breath he’s been holding and his shoulders shift downward to a more relaxed position.

“Okay,” Jensen says as he swings the door wider and steps back from it, nodding toward the interior of the apartment in invitation. “I’ll… get some glasses.”

Jared steps into the apartment and pushes the door closed behind him. He waits just a few paces inside until Jensen reappears from the kitchen with two rocks glasses in his hand. He nods toward the seating area in the living room as he walks over to set the glasses on the coffee table then sits in the overstuffed chair, leaving the couch for Jared.

Jared sits down, well aware of Jensen’s eyes on him, and uncaps the bottle. He pours two fingers into each glass then slides one across the table toward Jensen with a smile.

***

Jensen’s shaking so much he hesitates reaching out for the glass. He feels more at ease now that Jared knows, seems to understand his problem - but he’s still nervous in the same room with him. He takes a deep breath, wills his hand to be steady and picks up the glass. He looks up as he takes a sip and sees Jared watching him as he swallows down some from his own glass. He feels his face grow hot again.

“Sorry, I’m…” Jensen lets his breath fall from his lungs as his words leave him again, a long sigh he’s sure Jared hears, no doubt sees since his eyes seem to be boring into him.

“Nervous.” Jared states it like it’s the only possible word Jensen could have been trying to get out. He doesn’t say it judgmentally, there’s no sarcasm, not even any pity behind the word. Jared takes another sip from his glass, sinks back against the couch a little.

“Yeah.” Jensen lets out another sigh, this time more relieved than frustrated. His eyes widen slightly as he feels his mouth turn up in the slightest smile, completely of its own accord.

“You know, I learned how to order at restaurants when I was seven,” Jared said. Jensen just looks at him, one eyebrow slightly cocked up, not sure why he’d be telling him that. Jared smiles at his slightly confused expression. “My mom couldn’t do it. She was fine talking to people she knew, but once she was in front of strangers, nope. No words.”

Even though Jensen keeps ducking his eyes away, he knows Jared is watching his face closely. He feels his eyes going even wider as he takes a healthy gulp from his drink. His mind is racing with _‘holy shit this guy really does get it’_ and _‘Prince Gorgeous is on my couch and he’s fucking staring right at me’_ and a whole lot of _‘what the hell do I say now?’_ He takes another long drink, leaving just a swallow left in his glass, before clearing his throat.

“So, um… shitty day?” Jensen manages to get out, not wanting to talk about himself so the only solution is to ask him about his day - human interaction 101.

“Ha!” Jared lets the single laugh burst out as he sits up, then raises his glass to his lips and drains it in two large swallows. He leans forward and grabs the whiskey bottle, spinning the cap off quickly. “We’re gonna need more booze for that conversation.”

Jared refills his glass then holds the bottle out at arm’s length, waiting for Jensen to offer up his own glass. His hand isn’t shaking nearly as much when he holds it out while Jared pours. Jared leans back again, glass in hand, and swings one leg up to rest his ankle across his knee. He takes another swallow, and Jensen does the same - the stuff seems to be calming him down, at least.

“Broke up with my boyfriend today.” Jared says it while looking down into his glass, eyes intent on the amber liquid. Jensen’s breath hitches and he just barely keeps the gasp from escaping.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says, keeping his eyes on Jared as he lifts his head from his glass and gives Jensen a small smile. “I… uh… I heard you fighting… this morning.”

“Shit, these walls really are thin, huh?” Jared says with a chuckle before taking another swallow of whiskey. Jensen drinks more as well while Jared continues. “It’s not a big deal, really. I mean, six months, but… I guess I just would have thought I’d know someone better by now. Turns out I didn’t. Turns out he was a huge douche.”

“What… um, what happened?” Jensen asks, feeling his stomach turn as a wave of guilt washes over him. He watches as Jared seems to consider the question, taking his time to formulate his answer.

“Well… dude, take another drink, this is gonna make you uncomfortable,” Jared says, a broad smile spreading across his face, deep dimples appearing. Jensen’s eyes fly wide enough to pop out of his head, but he lifts his glass and swallows down half of the burning liquid. Jared takes a deep breath before speaking again. “When I realized you could hear us having sex, I decided to move the bed. I just… didn’t want to make things worse for you by being an obnoxious neighbor, y’know? I explained that to Keith, and he blew it off, like anyone else didn’t matter to him. So I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about other people.”

“So…” Jensen lets the word hiss out from his mouth, wanting to add _‘you broke up because of me’_ and _‘you’re single now’_ and _‘are you okay?’_ but nothing seems to feel right, his head spinning with all the possible ways all of that is the wrong thing to say.

“So, yeah… guess I should say thanks.” Jared’s dimples make another appearance then, making Jensen’s stomach flutter - this time in the good way.

“Thanks?” Jensen says with his eyebrows raised as he takes another sip from his glass.

“Man, who knows how long I would’ve stayed with him, not knowing he was an ass.” Jared’s eyes dip to his glass, index finger tracing along its edge. “You did me a favor.”

“You’re really okay with it?” Jensen asks, suddenly realizing the alcohol is giving him that tingling sensation and pushing away most of his anxiety. If only he could live on the stuff, he’d almost be normal. He's sure that’s the longest string of words he’s said to Jared so far.

“Yeah, I mean, it always sucks breaking up with someone. But I feel relieved.” Jared shrugs before draining his glass again. “I don’t want to be with someone like that, y’know? I’d rather be alone. Except I’ll miss the sex. The sex was good.”

“I heard,” Jensen blurts out, then immediately sucks in a breath, holding it in his chest while his face reddens again. He lets it out when Jared starts laughing, his face growing pink as well, one hand coming up to swipe down across his smiling mouth.

“I’m so sorry about that… I had no idea the walls were this thin,” Jared says, still laughing. Jensen can’t help but laugh, too, the buzz allowing him to let go, a wide grin crossing his face. He sees Jared look over at him, his laughter fading but his dimples remaining. “You’ve got such a nice smile - first time I’ve really seen it.”

Jensen feels his face grow even hotter as his laugh dissolves and he finds himself staring at Jared as he’s filling his glass once again. Jensen takes another gulp from his own glass, trying to decide if he should acknowledge the compliment or change the subject. He clears his throat, maybe too loudly.

“So, what do you do?” he asks, his eyes still trained on Jared, watching his expression as the abrupt subject change clicks, and he can almost see the checkmark go next to ‘doesn’t take compliments well’ on Jared’s mental list.

“I run a bookstore, down on Newbury Street.” Jared answers as he raises his glass to his lips again, then sinks down a little further into the couch, the alcohol apparently having an effect on him, too. “What about you?”

"I’m a proofreader,” Jensen says, then drains his glass. “I work for a couple publishing houses, independent contractor.”

“So you work from home?” Jensen notices Jared’s expression turn slightly concerned.

“Yeah.”

“How long has it been?” Jared asks, his tone matter-of-fact.

“How long?”

“Since you’ve left your house.”

Jensen freezes with his glass halfway to the coffee table. He looks up at Jared, sees in his expression that he’s not going to accept a denial, only an answer. He sets the glass down and sits back against the chair with a sigh.

“T-two months.” Crap, here comes the stuttering again. His gaze falls down to his hands resting in his lap, his right index finger scratching lightly at the small hole that’s beginning to form on the thigh of his jeans.

“How did it start?” Jared asks, his voice gentle, not demanding but still firm - he really wants to know, he’s genuine. Jensen feels his heart pounding in his chest, partly from the idea of explaining what got him into this mess - those memories he pushes back to the furthest corners of his mind, and partly because, well, _Jared_. He’s quickly realizing this man, sitting on his couch, is just as beautiful inside as out.

“I… I…” Jensen sits forward abruptly, grabs the bottle of whiskey from the coffee table to fill his glass again. He takes a long swallow as he sits back in the chair, lets out a long breath as he stares into the dark depth of the glass, watching it swirl, its amber color reflecting off the sides of the glass. “I was mugged. Five years ago.”

“My mom, she was in a bank when it was robbed. Seven hours at gunpoint.” Jared shifts in his seat, turning his body slightly to face Jensen more fully. “Happened when I was really little, like three or so. I don’t remember a time when my mom wasn’t racked with anxiety.”

Jensen’s gaze had darted up from his lap to meet Jared’s eyes as he spoke, his lips slightly parting as he takes in what Jared is sharing with him. It’s the first time in five years that someone has really seemed to understand him. Even his therapist seemed unaccepting most of the time, trying to push him faster and harder than he’d been comfortable with. It’s why he stopped going. But here’s Jared, sitting there completely at ease, completely accepting. There’s no judgement and Jensen lets that waft into him from Jared, lets it flow through him like a drug he’s been desperate for. He wants to wrap himself up in Jared.

“You okay?” Jared asks, a gentle smile on his lips as he takes in Jensen’s shocked expression.

“Yeah, just…” Jensen spins his glass in his hands, his gaze having fallen down to his hands again. “Thanks.”

“I meant it,” Jared says with a shrug. “When I said I get it. I know not many people do.”

Jensen smiles as he looks back up at Jared, sees Jared’s smile widen, his eyes bright. Jensen feels like the tension of five years is draining from his body, slipping away under the floorboards. Sitting here with Jared, he can feel his old self deep inside him, peeking out from where it’s been hidden away for so long.

They fall into an easy conversation then, talking about their mutual love of reading, finding out where their music tastes overlap, all while sipping on whiskey to keep the buzz going so Jensen doesn’t tense up again. It’s nearly midnight before Jared slips out the door and wanders, just a little unsteady, back to his own apartment. When Jensen slides into bed a few minutes later, hearing the muffled sounds of Jared moving around in his own bedroom, he can’t help wishing Jared’s bed was still on the other side of the wall.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared has The Misfits blaring through his earphones as he walks home. It was unusually busy for a Wednesday and he was the only one working. The irate customer ranting about her lost special order ten minutes before closing didn’t do anything to improve his day. The sun is setting and painting the sky with swirls of red and orange, there’s a warm breeze blowing against his face as he walks and the music is pulling his angst away, so by the time he reaches his block, he’s feeling better. 

He looks up at the stoop of his apartment building as he’s waiting for traffic to clear before crossing the street, and he sees a figure sitting on the top step, hunched over, arms wrapped around legs, shoulders tight against ears. Jensen. As he comes closer he can see the canvas grocery bag wadded up and grasped tightly in his hands, the rapid rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathes heavily. Jared quickens his pace when he reaches the sidewalk, bounding up the steps to reach him. 

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice is quiet, not wanting to startle him. When he gets no response, he reaches out, lays his hand on Jensen’s elbow. “Hey, Jensen?” 

Jensen finally lifts his head and Jared is met with those brilliant green eyes, rimmed with red and filled with fear. There is a pleading look in them, as if Jensen is begging Jared to fix it, to make it go away. Jared sighs as he drops down to sit next to Jensen, sideways on the step so he can still look at him. He moves his hand from Jensen’s elbow to his shoulder, squeezing lightly. 

“Rough day?” Jared asks. He smiles when Jensen nods, letting his fingers slide slowly back and forth across Jensen’s shoulder. “Can I help?”

Jared can feel the tension release a little under his hand, watches as Jensen takes in a slow breath and lets it out just as slow. 

“I… I need…” Jensen tenses up a little again as he lifts his head to meet Jared’s eyes. He takes another deep breath, lets it out in a huff. “I ran out of milk.” 

“So, corner market?” Jared watches Jensen nod again, his eyes slipping closed, resigned like the half-block walk might as well be a marathon. “Think you can make it if I go with you?” 

Jared watches as Jensen opens and lifts eyes, watches his expression as he seems to cycle through fear and relief and indecision. His shoulder relaxes again, more this time, under Jared’s hand. 

“Any chance I could get you to go for me?” Jensen says, his eyes slightly pleading, a sheepish smile breaking out. 

“Nope,” Jared says, grinning as he stands up. “No chance at all. C’mon, I need a few things, too.” 

Jensen stands, his legs visibly shaky under him. Jared watches as he steadies himself, taking deep, conscious breaths, his left hand grasping and scrunching the grocery bag. He finally raises his eyes to Jared’s, gives him a slight nod, a small smile. They descend the steps, slowly, Jared’s hand coming to rest on Jensen’s back just below the nape of his neck. He can feel the trembling, just under the surface. 

“Did I tell you I used to work as a bouncer in a bar?” Jared says, looking over at Jensen when they reach the sidewalk and Jensen tenses, slows his pace. He smiles when Jensen turns to look at him, then shifts his gaze front, putting a little more pressure on Jensen’s back - not a push, just a nudge, just saying  _ you can do this _ . “Worked there for a year. It was fun - got to beat up some big dudes.” 

Jensen doesn’t relax, but he keeps putting one foot in front of the other. They make it about a hundred feet before Jared feels Jensen’s breathing quicken, the trembling intensify under his hand. He glances over and can see the sweat beading up at his temples.  

“There’s a bench just ahead, ready for a break?” Jared asks, his hand slipping up to squeeze Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen nods, letting out a quick huff of a breath as he looks ahead, gauging how far it is. “Just a little further and we’re halfway.” 

They reach the bench on the edge of the sidewalk and Jensen flops down on it, letting out a long breath like he’d been holding it in for the last ten feet. He looks back up the street, seeing how far they’ve come, then down to the corner to see how far they’ve got left to go. Jared sees a shudder work its way up Jensen’s body, shaking his shoulders. He squats down in front of Jensen, dropping his hands to his friend’s knees. 

“Hey, man, you’re doing great, okay?” Jared gives the knees under his hands a gentle squeeze, smiling up at Jensen even though his eyes are closed. Jensen nods, his right hand coming up to land on top of Jared’s, squeezing back. “Just sit and breathe for a minute.” 

Jensen nods again, eyes still closed tightly. His fingers on top of Jared’s start a slow, light, rhythmic tapping, and after a few seconds Jared recognizes how Jensen is counting as he breathes. Jared takes a moment to watch, sees how Jensen is inhaling and exhaling, four taps each, then he’s joining in, slowing his own breathing to meet Jensen’s. 

“Two, three, four,” Jared says, picking up on an inhale, counting aloud for Jensen, making his voice as calm as he can. “One, two, three, four… you’re safe, Jensen… three, four… I’m not gonna let anything happen to you… one, two, three, four…”

They sit there like that for a full minute more, Jared counting and encouraging, until Jensen finally opens his eyes and looks down at Jared. Jensen takes in a long, slow breath and blows it out through pursed lips. Jared is looking up at him, questioning. 

“I’m okay,” Jensen says, nodding. “Th-thank you.” 

Jared smiles, his right hand giving Jensen’s knee a couple pats before he stands up, turning to sit on the bench next to him. He glances over to see just a hint of a smile on Jensen’s lips. They sit there for a few minutes, quiet, the silence between them easy, comfortable.  _ I could get used to this,  _ Jared thinks.

“Ready to get moving again?” Jared asks. 

“Yeah… yeah, let’s go,” Jensen says, pulling himself up off the bench with a confidence Jared’s not seen in him before. Jared smiles as he stands up and joins Jensen, and they continue down the sidewalk. 

They make it to the corner with no more panic, and it only takes Jensen a minute of deep breathing to get himself through the door. Once inside they wander through the aisles of the small grocery store, each with their own basket they fill with the various items they need. When they make it to the back of the store, Jensen pauses while looking over the selection in the small meat cooler. He picks up a steak and seems to consider it for a moment before looking over at Jared. 

“Would… would you let me make you dinner?” he asks, his face reddening slightly. “As a thank you… for doing this for me.”

“Yeah,” Jared says, his dimples appearing beside his wide smile. “Sure, I’d like that.” 

Jensen smiles back, and Jared notices a brightness in his eyes for the first time, just briefly, but there - a small glimpse of a fearless, unburdened Jensen. He reaches up and gives Jensen’s shoulder a squeeze as he drops two steaks into his basket. They make their way back to the produce section for some potatoes and green beans, to the register to pay, back out to the street to walk the half block back home, only pausing briefly to glance at the bench they’d stopped at before. 

***

Jensen drops his grocery bag on the kitchen counter as soon as he walks through the door, then speeds around the apartment tidying up, making sure nothing is out of place before Jared returns after a shower. He even makes a pass through the bedroom,  _ not  _ that he really thinks they’ll end up there. It’s not a date, it’s just a thank you. Friends having dinner. But Jensen can’t help his mind wandering, wondering what it’d be like if it was a date, what it’d feel like to have Jared look at him in  _ that  _ way. What it would feel like to kiss those perfectly curved lips… Jensen shakes his head to force that train of thought away. Answering the door with his pants bulging isn’t how he wants this evening to go. 

By the time Jared knocks on the door, Jensen has the potatoes in the oven, the steak is seasoned, and he’s snapping the ends off the green beans. He dries his hands on a dishtowel, looks down at his shirt to check that it’s still clean, then goes to the door. 

“Hey,” Jensen says as he swings the door open for Jared, who is now dizzyingly fresh-smelling and smiling. “Come on in.” 

He makes his way back to the kitchen, Jared following, his stomach churning with butterflies. He’s nervous, but for once, it’s not chased by panic - he knows he can handle it. 

“Wine?” Jensen asks, holding up the bottle he’d set out on the counter. “I have beer, too, if you’d rather…” 

“Wine’s good,” Jared says, smiling as he leans against the counter. Jensen opens a cupboard, pulling down two glasses, then grabs a corkscrew from one of the drawers. “Anything I can help with?” 

“Nah, I’m good here, won’t be much longer.” Jensen pours the wine into the two glasses, slides one across the counter to Jared. “Though maybe… music? You want to pick something?” 

“Yeah, I can do that,” Jared says, smiling. He takes a sip of his wine before straightening up and stepping back out into the living room. Jensen takes a deep breath before picking up his own glass and taking a large swallow, then returns his attention to the pile of green beans on the counter. A few minutes later he hears Thelonious Monk floating in from the living room, followed by Jared a few seconds after. Jensen smiles and raises his eyebrows at him. 

“Really? You chose jazz?” Jensen asks, smirking at the mock-indignant expression Jared instantly switches into. 

“Hey, I’ve got eclectic taste!” Jared says, laughing as he slides back into his spot leaning against the counter and taking another sip of his wine. “It’s not all Sex Pistols and Ramones.” 

“Fair enough,” Jensen says, smiling as he slides the pile of beans from the cutting board into the steamer basket. They fall into an easy conversation, teasing each other and laughing over the hissing of the steaks cooking on the stove. When the food is done, they carry their plates to the dining table in the corner of the living room, continuing their light banter as they eat. When the food is gone, Jared leans back in his chair with a contented sigh as Jensen refills their wine glasses, emptying the bottle between the two. 

“Man, that’s the best meal I’ve had in a long time, thank you,” Jared says. 

“It’s the least I could do after today,” Jensen says, his eyes meeting Jared’s. “I mean it, thank you for that.” 

“Anytime, Jensen.” Jared’s face heats up to a light pink. “Really, I’m happy to help.”

“I’ve… never met anyone who really gets it.” Jensen lowers his eyes to the table, eyes on his own hand spinning his wine glass against the wood. “It means a lot to me.” 

“No one? Really?” Jared sounds genuinely surprised, his eyes wide when Jensen looks up at him again. 

“Really. All of my friends, family… they just don’t seem to want to be bothered with me anymore.” Jensen feels his face flushing as he blurts out the words, feeling pathetic for being that lonely guy. 

“Well, they’re all nuts. You’re a great guy, Jensen.” Jared lifts his glass, takes a long swallow. “Totally worth helping out.” 

Jensen looks up at Jared, his face burning. His gaze gets stuck directly on those swirled, multi-colored eyes, he can’t look away. Jared has locked his eyes on Jensen’s as well, the moment passing into seconds, lingering until they’re both blushing furiously. Jared smiles, dimples popping as he breaks the gaze. 

“Can I help clean up?” Jared asks, shifting forward in his seat. 

“Sure,” Jensen says, shaking off the trance of that gaze, moving to pile his silverware onto his plate. “Thanks.”

They clear the dishes from the table in silence, carry them into the kitchen. The new surroundings and a task at hand pull them out of the daze, and they fall into conversation again, not quite as light-hearted as before, a charge of energy caught between them now. It’s not exactly awkward, but the unexpectant ease between them has fallen away… there’s something there, neither of them acknowledging it. Once the dishes have been washed, dried and put away, Jensen is wiping down the counters while Jared dries his hands on a towel. Jared lets out a soft sigh. 

“I should probably get going,” he says, leaning against the counter again. “Have to open the store in the morning.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Jensen says, draping the dishrag across the faucet. He follows as Jared walks to the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. 

“Thanks, Jensen. I… I had a really good time tonight.” 

“Yeah, yeah I did too,” Jensen says. There’s a moment’s pause, then Jared lets go of the door knob, stepping forward toward Jensen, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a gentle hug. Jensen inhales quickly, his breath catching as he’s engulfed by Jared. It’s just a moment before he moves to wrap his arms around Jared’s chest in return. They end the embrace, both men lowering their arms slowly. Jared smiles, almost sheepishly, and Jensen is wide-eyed with a shadow of a smile across his mouth. 

“Goodnight,” Jared says, hand already back on the doorknob, turning it, opening it, stepping through. 

“Night, Jared,” Jensen says, still half-shocked, his breath still held in his lungs as he watches Jared’s back retreating from his apartment. But then Jared is turned around again, stepping forward, back in the doorway. 

“I just…” Jared half-mumbles, eyes trained on Jensen. Then he’s leaning in, his hands reaching up, grasping the sides of Jensen’s face. Jensen barely has a second to register the movement before he feels the soft press of Jared’s lips against his, the warmth of Jared’s long body closing the gap between them. It’s just seconds before Jensen’s brain catches up and his hands are moving up to rest at Jared’s hips, then Jared’s lips are moving, sliding softly against Jensen’s, and Jensen is kissing Jared back, his breath finally leaving his lungs, coming out in a gentle sigh against Jared’s lips. Jared’s right hand slides from his face to cup the back of his head, Jensen feels Jared’s tongue pressing, licking lightly at his lips and he’s parting his own lips, his own tongue slipping out to meet Jared’s. With a deep inhale Jared tilts his head, his lips pressing more firmly against Jensen’s, his tongue sliding against Jensen’s, into his mouth, Jensen soon matching the move so they’re kissing deeply now, their bodies pressed close, hands pulling each other tighter together. Then Jared catches Jensen’s lower lip between his, sucking as he pulls away until their mouths part. He presses his lips to Jensen’s once more, one last quick peck before he’s running his hand through Jensen’s hair while smiling and looking directly into his eyes. 

“I should go.” Jared leans back, slowly, he doesn’t want to let go. He steps back, letting his hands drag down Jensen’s arms from his shoulders. 

“Okay,” Jensen says, barely above a whisper, his own hands sliding away from Jared’s hips. Jared takes another half step away, one foot across the threshold now. 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He smiles, takes another step, fully in the hallway now, turns and walks down the hall toward his own door. 

It’s a few seconds before Jensen’s brain catches up again and he closes the door. He turns around, leans against the wall and lets out a long sigh. He stands there, eyes wide, heart pounding in his chest with mind racing, replaying what just happened - his fingers come up, rest on his lips - he’s smiling. Jared kissed him.  _ Really  _ kissed him. He starts shaking a bit, a trembling that, for once, feels good. There’s no mistaking that kiss for friendly or chaste.  _ Jared _ . This might really happen. It’s a good five minutes before he can move again, stepping away from the door and making his way to his bedroom where he sinks down under the covers, still smiling. 


	7. Chapter 7

Jared walks to work and can’t seem to stop running his fingers across his lips. His earphones are pumping Thelonious Monk into his ears - yeah, he’d downloaded two albums to his phone this morning, waiting for his coffee - and his mind is replaying his dinner with Jensen on a loop. Most of it. A few minutes. Okay, just the kiss, but fuck who wouldn’t? Jensen’s lips were more than he’d imagined. Soft and warm and tasting of wine and moving so perfectly against his own. And that tongue just went straight to his head. Both of them. By the time Jared gets to work, he’s really glad he wore a long shirt today. 

He spends his day distracted. There’s plenty of work that should get done - stocking shelves, going over invoices. But he finds himself leaning against the counter next to the register more often than not. At least he’s the only one working until late in the afternoon, no one can accuse the boss of slacking off. He pulls out his phone several times, wanting to text or call Jensen, but each time he realizes he doesn’t have his number. He’ll have to fix that. Soon. 

He daydreams about Jensen most of the day. About going to the movies with him, walking through the Common on a spring day. He even has one fantasy about moving in with Jensen, which, after six months with Keith he couldn’t see that happening, so how the hell is he seeing it after one kiss with Jensen? That was some damn kiss. He decidedly doesn’t daydream about certain things, because, well… there’s only so much a long shirt can do. 

It’s finally time to go home, and Jared can’t get out of the store fast enough. By the time he gets to his block, his calves are aching, on the verge of cramping up from walking so fast. As he’s crossing the street he realizes, in all his thinking about Jensen today, he didn’t consider one important thing - what next? Fuck. 

His mind is racing as he climbs the steps to the front door, and the flight up to the second floor. He’s tempted to walk right past his own apartment, knock on Jensen’s door before even setting down his bag or taking off his jacket. But what’s he going to say?  _ ‘I can’t stop thinking about kissing you, can I come in?’ _ Nope. Need to figure out what’s next. 

He drops his keys in the bowl next to the door, slides his bag down to the floor and kicks off his shoes, hangs up his jacket. A date. Right. Logical next step. But it’s not going to be that easy with Jensen. Not yet anyway. He flops down on the couch. Looks at his laptop sitting on the coffee table. He considers Googling ‘dating at home’ then chuckles at himself. No, he can do this, there’s a way. 

Jared sighs, looking around his apartment. It still looks a little sparse, not quite lived-in yet. When he cranes his neck to look back over the couch at the small dining area in the corner, the idea bubbles up. He smiles, nods his head. This will work. He jumps up from the couch, heads out the door and down the hall. 

Jensen is smiling when he opens the door and Jared feels his own face break into that big dimply grin he always thinks looks kind of goofy. 

“Hey, how was your day?” Jared asks, leaning against the doorframe.

“Good, good… do you… come in,” Jensen says, swinging the door wider. Jared steps inside and into the living room as Jensen closes the door behind him. “How was your day?” 

“Not bad. Listen,” Jared says, turning to face Jensen, catching sight of the green of his eyes, noticing that he’s making eye contact much easier now. “I wanted to ask you on a date. Maybe tomorrow night?” 

Jared watches Jensen’s eyes go wide, his mouth opening and closing a few times as he searches for words. 

“Jared, I want to, really I do… but… I just don’t think…”

“I don’t mean out. My place. Seven o’clock?” Jared takes a step closer, eliminating half the gap between them. 

“What… but…” Jensen stutters, still floundering for words. 

“Just say yes.” Jared grins again, takes another half step toward Jensen.

“Okay,” Jensen says, laughing and dropping his head. “Yes.” 

“Great.” Jared is still grinning as he reaches his hand in his pocket and pulls out a slip of paper. “Oh, and here… wanted to give you my cell number. You know, just in case.” 

“Th-thanks,” Jensen says, taking the paper from Jared’s hand. Just as Jensen looks up again, Jared takes the last half step toward him, leans forward and kisses him. Not as deep as before, but definitely not chaste, either. He lingers for just a few seconds before pulling away. 

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow night?” Jared asks as he lets his hand come to rest on Jensen’s bicep, gently stroking down to his wrist. Jensen nods, his smile starting to return. 

“Yeah, tomorrow.” 

“Okay. I gotta go.” Jared leans forward and gives Jensen one more quick peck on the lips before he turns to the door, opens it and leaves. He’s got a lot of work to do before tomorrow. 

***

Jensen’s head is reeling as he stands in the middle of his living room, watching the door close behind Jared. Did that just happen? That really just happened - Jared, came in like a whirlwind asking him for a date, kissed him… again… then spun out like a Tazmanian devil leaving Jensen standing there stunned. Again. It takes a minute before the shock wears off and a smile spreads across his face. He really has a date… with Prince Gorgeous. 

Once he’s regained his faculties - and the ability to move - Jensen goes into his kitchen and starts dinner. While he’s waiting for the pot of water to come to a boil for pasta, he starts hearing shuffling and banging on the other side of the wall. It goes on for quite a while, moving around to different spots - sounds like Jared is hanging pictures on his walls. Jensen smiles as he’s filling a bowl with ziti and sauce, picturing Jared reaching up to hammer nails, tall enough he’d never need a stepstool, then centering the frames, stepping back, checking that they’re straight. 

It dawns on him that Jared is doing this because of their date. He’ll be at Jared’s tomorrow night and it hasn’t been that long since he moved in, so Jared is over there finishing unpacking and setting up his apartment. Jensen smiles at the thought - at Jared wanting to make things nice for  _ him.  _ His thoughts are confirmed when he hears a vacuum cleaner running a short time later. 


	8. Chapter 8

It’s just after eleven by the time Jared finishes. He’d started with the noisier tasks - hanging pictures, vacuuming. After that he’d tackled the pile of boxes that were still stacked in the corner of the living room - mostly books that needed to be put away on the bookcase, but a few boxes that could have just been tucked in a closet held some things he needed to make his idea for this date work.

He stands in the middle of his living room, surveying the space. _This’ll work,_ he thinks, letting out a sigh of satisfaction before switching off the light and heading to the bedroom. He’s drifting off to sleep minutes after tugging the blankets up to his chest, his mind floating into dreams soon after.

_He opens the door for Jensen, smiling, sighing as he watches him walk into his apartment. Jensen smiles back, though it’s more of a smirk, with one side of his mouth tipped up more than the other. His eyes are vivid, two emeralds boring into Jared with a mischievous glint. They make their way into the living room, Jared leading Jensen toward the dinner table. His breath is knocked from his lungs as he’s suddenly pushed up against the wall next to the kitchen doorway, Jensen’s body pressed against his firmly, Jensen’s hands roughly pushing his arms up over his head, tight against the wall, trapping him. Jared feels the hard ridge of Jensen’s dick push at his hip while his mouth is taken over, hard press of Jensen’s lips against his, tongue forcing into his mouth, thrusting against his own, pulling a groan from his throat._

_Now they’re at the table, cleared of the dishes that had been set out for dinner, tablecloth swept to the floor. Jared is bending over it, hands gripping the far edge. Jensen is groping at his waist, fingers unbuckling his belt, slipping open the button of his jeans, sliding down the zipper, pulling the fabric down his thighs. Then Jensen is pushing into him, tight, hot, filling him with one swift thrust until he feels Jensen’s hips against his ass and he’s grunting out a moan. Jensen grinds his hips, pushing his cock inside him deeper as he leans over, grasping at Jared’s arms. He’s pressed against the table, the wood cold against his chest and face. His wrists are pulled back, gripped tightly in one of Jensen’s hands at the small of his back, the other digging into his hip with bruising strength, pulling him back to meet Jensen’s thrusts, hard and fast, fucking him like he owns him…_

Jared wakes with a start, his breath coming out in quick bursts, sweat coating his skin. His dick is achingly hard, his eyes wide as he remembers the dream. He glances over at the clock, 3:23, then takes a deep breath. He pushes it out slowly, feeling his heart’s pounding start to taper off and return to normal. Aside from being incredibly hot, he’s intrigued by the dream. Being overpowered has never been a particular kink of Jared’s, though he’ll admit it’s been pretty exhilarating the few times it’s happened. Something about the idea of _Jensen_ doing it, though - Jensen taking control, the total opposite of his timid demeanor - has Jared thinking the dream was about a bit more than just sex. It’s like he’s glimpsing what’s really underneath, tucked away behind the anxiety, the fear - who Jensen would be after healing the trauma. Jared smiles as he rolls over and tucks the pillow up to his shoulder. He really can’t wait to see that part of Jensen.

***

Jensen wakes up shaking. It’s a dull tremble, spreading out to his limbs from his core. His stomach is churning, and even empty it feels on the verge of revolt. He knows it’ll pass, just have to get up, get out of bed, start the day and before long he’ll forget feeling like this. But he wants to burrow down under the covers again, go back to sleep and dream of kissing Jared, his arms wrapped around him, enveloping him so fully nothing could possibly happen to him. Safe. Jensen sighs.

That’s the thing. He feels safe with Jared. Hasn’t felt that safe for five years. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person he’s just met. It’s a lot of pressure to put on himself, to rely on someone else for something so basic, yet so important, when he knows he shouldn’t have to. That’s why he’s been alone for so long now - he relied on his family and friends too much, smothered them with his neediness and they just had to get out. He doesn’t blame them; sometimes he wants to get out, too. Jensen sighs.

He flings back the covers and forces himself to sit on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor. That’s step one. A few deep breaths, in, out, in, out. He’s not shaking bad enough that he’ll fall over, his legs feel steady. He stands up, feet underneath him. That’s step two. In, out, in, out, a few more times. Just get moving. Should be a new book in his email to proof, he can be busy all day, mind occupied, all this won’t even matter once he gets started. He walks from the bedroom, into the kitchen, fills the coffee pot. Step three. In, out, in, out, in, out. Just his hands are shaking now, stomach has settled down. Just get through this part and the day will be better. It always gets better. The coffee pot gurgles, he fills a mug, breathes in the bitter steam. Step four. In, out, in, out. Sit at the table, not the couch, not back in bed - can’t go back to sleep at the table, just have the coffee there. Step five. In, out, in, out. He opts for the window, head leaning against the glass, watching the world go by from two floors up, safe behind the locked door. He sips at his coffee, breathing in the scent, exhaling out in foggy circles against the pane. Watches the frail old man walk his Yorkshire Terrier, the tiny furball prancing along in front of him, head held high. Watches a cop write a parking ticket, tuck it under the wiper blade. Sips his coffee. In, out, in out. He’s settled now, calm. Jensen sighs.

He looks down at the sidewalk just below the building’s door and sees a familiar figure, Jared, paused just beyond the steps as he pushes his earphones into his ears, taps at the screen of his phone before heading down the street on his way to work. Jensen smiles, watches until he can’t see Jared anymore. He remembers the little slip of paper he’d set on the kitchen counter - Jared’s phone number. He smiles as he gets up, crosses the room to pick up both the paper and his cell phone. His hands shake a bit as he puts the number into his contacts list. They shake a little more as he types in a text message - ‘have a good day’ - and he only debates sending it for a minute before hitting send. Jensen smiles.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s 6:30 when there’s a knock on Jared’s door. His stomach flutters. He knows it’s not Jensen yet, it’s just the food being delivered. But food means it’s almost time. Just another half hour and Jensen will be here. He feels like he’s twelve again, going to his first school dance with Allison Mertrand who everyone said liked to kiss with tongue. He opens the door, tips the delivery guy way too much and takes the bags to the kitchen.

Jared doesn’t cook well, he knows that, so he ordered takeout from a nice restaurant. Chicken Piccata, risotto, Caesar salad. Chocolate mousse for dessert. He’d stopped on the way home from work for couple bottles of wine. He unpacks the bags, tossing the chicken and rice into the oven in their aluminum dishes to keep warm. Salad in the bowls already on the table. It’s still only 6:40.

He ducks into the bathroom to check himself in the mirror again. He’s got on one of his few button-down shirts - black cotton that fits well, only pulls a little across his chest. Dark olive-green jeans, since he doesn’t own any dress pants. Those fit well too, tighter than he usually wears but it’s a date, he’s allowed to show off his ass. He tries to tame a few wayward waves of hair, tucking them behind his ears, but that’s pretty hopeless as usual. He lifts his arms, makes sure he’s not sweating through his shirt already. He hasn’t been this nervous about a date in years. 6:45.

Back in the living room, he glances around checking that nothing is out of place. Looks over at the table already set with silverware, glasses, salad bowls. It’s a heavy oak table his grandmother had given him. Not too big, just enough to seat four comfortably if a bit cramped. The tablecloth had been his gram’s too, and he’d spent fifteen minutes last night turning it every which way, trying to get the grease stain from last year’s Thanksgiving with his friends situated so it didn’t show. 6:50.

The aroma of the chicken and risotto are filling up the apartment. It smells warm, a little spicy. Better than the candles he’d messed around with setting around the apartment last night and ultimately shoved back in the box and in the bedroom closet. He’d spent a lot of time keeping himself from going overboard last night. 6:55.

There’s a knock on the door and Jared’s stomach does an award-winning acrobatic routine. He takes a deep breath, tucks his hair behind his ears again and opens the door. Jensen smiles - the nervous smile, not the big relaxed smile - and Jared relaxes.

***

Jensen smiles as he steps into Jared’s apartment, trying to push back his nervousness. He’d been okay most of the day, busy with work and not obsessing over the date. But when late afternoon came, and the clock was growing closer and closer to seven, he started getting anxious. He showered early, then prayed he didn’t start sweating. He changed his clothes four times, in the end putting on the dark green sweater and khakis he’d started out with. There had been jeans and dress slacks and a tie in between, all while trying to figure out - what the hell is the dress code for a capital-D Date in your neighbor’s apartment?

By the time he was getting dressed - for real - at 5:30 he could hear Jared moving around in his apartment, the shower running, dresser drawers opening and closing. He’d had to turn on some music to drown out the sounds and distract himself from listening to Jared getting ready.

He finally shut it off at 6:30 - that’s when he started pacing the length of his living room. Fifteen minutes later he had to sit down on the couch and work through two rounds of breathing exercises. At 6:50 he was laughing at himself because he’d suddenly realized all this anxiety, for once, wasn’t panic - it was excitement.

“How was your day?” Jared asks as he closes the door, that huge, dimpled smile pulling the last remnants of nerves from Jensen.

“Good… busy,” Jensen says, his stomach doing a few flips as he takes in Jared, his usual t-shirt and slightly baggy jeans replaced with a dress shirt and jeans that - holy crap that’s a nice ass - okay, more talking, less staring. “You?”

“Didn’t go by nearly fast enough,” Jared says as he steps up next to Jensen, his hand coming up to briefly rest on Jensen’s shoulder, then fall away almost as though he’s trying to hold back. He smiles and chuckles lightly. “I’m… well, I’ve been nervous.”

“You? Nervous?” Jensen asks, his eyebrows rising upward.

“Yeah,” Jared says, his cheeks flushing rapidly as he shrugs.

“Would it help if I said you don’t have to worry about impressing me?

“No?” Jared quirks one eyebrow, dimples deepening.

“Nah, that’s already a done deal.” Jensen feels his cheeks growing hot as a blush spreads over his face.

“Well, shit. You mean I could have worn sweats?” Jared laughs as he puts on a mock-exasperated expression.

“No, I think the jeans are good - definitely the right choice.” Jensen winks even though his face has gotten at least ten degrees hotter. He smiles watching Jared’s face turn from pink to red, too.

“Okay, good,” Jared says, laughing as his shoulders visibly relax, the tension draining. “So, dinner is ready - I’m a horrible cook and I didn’t want to poison you, so I ordered in. You ready to eat?”

“Starving,” Jensen says with a nod, still smiling as they make their way to the kitchen. He helps Jared arrange the meal on plates, then they carry them over to the table. Jensen stops short when he notices the corner where the table sits. It’s covered with a nice, white tablecloth - silverware, glasses, even cloth napkins, all set the same way a restaurant would have laid them out. There are two taper candles on either side of a tiny vase containing a single flower off to one side. And above the table are strings of white lights, coming out in spokes from the center, the ends dangling down just a few inches, creating a chandelier of lights over the table. He finally notices now that there’s soft classical music spilling from the speakers in the corners. The whole scene is as close to a restaurant as it could be without _actually_ being a restaurant. Jensen looks up to find Jared watching him, smiling, eyes bright. “Jared…”

“Do you like it?” Jared’s smile shifts into a grin.

“I can’t believe you did all this,” Jensen says, his eyes starting to prickle and grow slightly wet.

“Well,” Jared says, shrugging as he sets his plate down on the table. “I wanted to take you on a date, but I wanted you to _enjoy_ it, too. So I figured out how to get both.”

Jared steps forward then, plucking the plate from Jensen’s hand and depositing it on the table. Jensen gazes at Jared, his mouth slightly open in shock. Then Jared is standing in front of him, his hands on Jensen’s shoulders. He leans in and presses his lips to Jensen’s, gently, lingering for a few seconds as his arms slide around to Jensen’s back, pulling him close. Jensen’s stomach flutters at the sensations - soft press of lips, warm arms embracing him - and finally he raises his own arms, wrapping himself tightly around Jared and pulling him close.

“Thank you,” Jensen says quietly, his mouth pressed to Jared’s shoulder. Jared pulls away slowly, eyes meeting Jensen’s with a smile.

“Let’s eat.”

***

 _Perfect,_ Jared thinks as he sits down at the table. He’d been shaking as he watched Jensen take in the dinner table he’d set up - relieved that he’d finally noticed it, nervous that he was going to think it was stupid. But Jensen’s reaction to it all was perfect. More than anything, Jared wanted to make Jensen see he isn’t going to let the anxiety get in the way, and well, mission accomplished.

They settle into their meal, quiet at first, then slipping into conversation as they eat. They’re both smiling a lot, and although there’s a nervous energy between them, it’s relaxed, comfortable. When they’re nearly finished, the conversation drops off and they fall quiet again.

Jared looks up to find Jensen’s eyes - those green pools only made greener against the color of the soft sweater he’s wearing tonight - on him. Jared darts his eyes away quickly, then looks back, smiling.

“What?” he says, noticing a blush creeping into Jensen’s cheeks.

“Sorry, I just…” Jensen pauses to take in a deep breath, his eyes lowering to look at his hands on the table for a second, then back up to meet Jared’s. “I’m still wrapping my head around how much you understand. Me, and my stupid issues, and… just… thank you.”

“Jensen,” Jared says quietly, reaching across the table to lay his hand over Jensen’s, his fingers wrapping around and squeezing gently as his eyes and smile soften. “Your anxiety disorder isn’t stupid. Not in the least. You had something horrible happen to you and it changed you. That’s not stupid. I know other people have given up, they’ve looked at you like all you are now is your anxiety. And yes, it’s a part of you - but it’s not all of you, it’s not who you are.”

Jared pauses, watching Jensen’s face, his awestruck expression and the tears welling up in his eyes. He gives Jensen’s hand another squeeze, sighing lightly before continuing.

“I _like_ who you are, Jensen. You’re warm and funny and smart, and when I’m with you I feel like I can be myself, no matter what, no judgement. That feels damn good and makes me want to be around you all the time. And… I really hope you feel at least a little bit the same, because I really want to try to make something of that.”

“I do, Jared,” Jensen says with a long sigh. “I do feel the same and I want to try to make this work, too. It feels amazing to have someone understand me. I haven’t felt that in so long. And I feel safe when I’m with you - that walk to the grocery store? That was the easiest it’s been for me in years. But it scares the crap out of me, too.”

“What are you afraid of?” Jared asks, gripping Jensen’s hand a little tighter when he sees a tear slip out from the corner of his eye. He can feel the slight trembling in Jensen’s hand.

“I’m afraid I’ll rely on you too much, that I’m so comfortable with you already, and feel so safe, that I’ll just… let you hold me up. Which would be fine for a while, but eventually you’ll feel smothered and burdened and… I… I don’t want to do that to you, you’re too good to have to deal with that.”

“When I offered to help you, Jensen, it was because I _truly_ want to help you. Not because I pity you or feel sorry for you. I’ve had a few glimpses of _you_ , the real you, inside. And I honestly like what I see, and want you to get strong enough to let that part of you out - all the time. Because I think the real you is totally worth it.”

“What… what if…”

“If it doesn’t work out we’ll deal with it then. I just want to try. Because I think there’s really something here. All I’ll ever ask of you is to try.”

“I… I…” Jensen stutters, tears slipping down his cheeks but he smiles at Jared, his eyes glinting in the low light. Jared sees the full smile that’s making the corners of Jensen’s eyes crinkle and lets out the breath he’s been holding. “Okay. I can try.”

A broad grin breaks out across Jared’s face as he stands up, still grasping Jensen’s hand, and pulls him up from his chair. He steps up to Jensen, wraps his arms tightly around his shoulders, and kisses him hard while a few tears slip out of his own eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

They’re both a little breathless, and Jensen’s knees are weak when they finally pull apart. Jared has his hands clasped at the small of Jensen’s back, and Jensen’s hands have made their way to Jared’s shoulders. They’re both smiling, and suddenly Jensen can’t stop himself from laughing. He shakes his head and pats Jared’s chest when he sees his confused expression.

“We are so fucking sappy,” he says, laughing harder as he speaks. Jared starts chuckling with him before leaning forward and kissing Jensen once more, quick, only lingering for a few seconds.

“You know, I’m okay with that.” Jared pulls Jensen into a hug, drawing his hands up and down Jensen’s back several times before letting go. “I was thinking we could watch a movie. Do you want to pick something out while I clean up?”

“You mean this restaurant doesn’t have busboys?” Jensen grins while Jared rolls his eyes, gives him a playful swat to the shoulder.

“Smartass.”

Jensen watches for a moment while Jared moves to collect the dishes from the table before heading to the shelf of DVDs next to the television. He looks through the first row of movies, but can’t help turning around to glance at Jared in the kitchen as he’s stacking the dishes in the sink. His stomach flutters, happily this time, as he watches. He lets out a quiet sigh as he realizes just how long it’s been since he’s felt like this - relaxed, content, hell, almost giddy. He finds himself smiling again when he turns his attention back to choosing a movie.

Jared is walking back into the living room a few minutes later, just as Jensen is pulling out a copy of The Saint from the rack. He holds it up to Jared, questioning look on his face. Jared nods, takes the DVD from him and soon they’re settling in on the couch together. As the opening credits play, Jared grabs Jensen’s hand and gives it a gentle tug. Jensen had sat down at one end of the couch, Jared on the other, and though he shouldn’t be surprised by now, obviously Jared isn’t satisfied with that arrangement. Jensen slides over, and Jared slips his arm across his shoulders, pulling Jensen in closer until he’s leaning against Jared’s side.

It’s about half an hour into the movie when Jared’s constant, gentle circling of his fingers on Jensen’s shoulder has him so relaxed he could practically start purring. He leans his head back against Jared’s shoulder, turns to look up at him. He’s met with a smile, both on Jared’s lips and in his green-brown-blue eyes. He reaches up with the arm that’s been resting on Jared’s leg, lets the back side of his fingers draw down across the slight stubble of Jared’s jaw and come to rest just under his chin before he leans up, eyes slipping closed an instant before he presses his lips to Jared’s. The hand on his shoulder grips a bit tighter and Jensen shifts his upper body, turning to face Jared, slipping an arm around his waist, hand coming to rest gripping at his hip. Jensen parts his lips, lets his tongue flick out against Jared’s, which instantly opens for Jensen. He tightens his fingers around the curve of hip as his tongue presses inside Jared’s mouth, sliding against the warm muscle of his tongue, swirling then pressing up to lick at the back side of Jared’s teeth before diving back in for more. Jensen feels the warmth of a breath against his cheek, a silent sigh pushed out just as he feels Jared’s body tense up, then a shudder flow through him. The faintest of moans escapes Jensen’s chest at the sensation of Jared’s wanting. His forearm is draped across Jared’s lap and he can feel the ridge of his cock pushing against the fabric of his jeans. He presses down with his arm lightly, dragging across the denim and feels Jared’s hips press upward toward the movement and pressure. He pulls his hand toward himself, sliding over Jared’s hip until it comes to rest with his fingers settling into the junction of thigh and hip, his thumb brushing his dick. He presses down, drawing his thumb down the length then back up until he can feel the ridge of the head. Jared pushes a moan into Jensen’s mouth as the pressure of Jensen’s thumb increases, movement slow and steady across the ridge.

Jensen feels the warmth of Jared’s hand sliding up his thigh from where it had been resting just above his knee. A tingling tremble shoots up his spine as Jared’s hand passes up his thigh, around his hip and slides back to his ass, gripping and tugging him closer. Jensen leans forward, pulling his mouth from Jared’s for just a moment while he turns, swings one leg over Jared’s lap, lowering himself down to straddle him. Both of Jared’s hands return to Jensen’s body then, traveling up the outside of his thighs, around to grip his ass and pull him in tight as their mouths press together again. Jensen gasps when he feels Jared’s cock pressing up against him, nudging at his balls, making his own cock twitch and blurt out another drop of precome. His hands grasp at Jared’s firm, round shoulders before sliding down to latch onto bulging biceps. He pulls his mouth from Jared’s, lowering his head to suck and nip at his jaw, slowly moving downward until he’s laving down the line of his neck. He slips his hands toward center, feeling the hard mounds of pecs under his palms before his fingers find the top button of Jared’s shirt. He pushes the black disc of plastic through the opening, letting his fingers slide down the newly exposed skin until they catch on the next button, all while his lips work at the long neck above, licking and sucking, tasting the saltiness of newly formed sweat. Jared’s chin has come to rest against Jensen’s temple, his breath coming out in not quite slow bursts into Jensen’s hair, hands still gripping, kneading Jensen’s ass while his hips are rocking forward in a slow, subtle rhythm.

Jensen leans down further, lips working across Jared’s collarbone as his fingers move a little quicker to unfasten more buttons, pulling the fabric of the shirt apart as he goes to reveal more and more smooth skin. When he’s got the third button open he pauses, can’t resist sliding his hands up the center of Jared’s chest, then back down over the round jut of his pecs. His fingers glance over Jared’s nipples, catching on something that causes him to gasp, pulling his mouth from Jared’s collarbone abruptly. He sits up, eyes wide, grinning as he pushes the shirt aside to see the two glinting silver rings dangling from the hard nubs of his nipples.

“So fucking hot, Jared,” Jensen says, raising his eyes to meet Jared’s, smiling at the smirk Jared is giving him.

“You sound surprised.” Jared slides his hands up to the middle of Jensen’s back, dragging back down with his fingernails.

“Not surprised,” Jensen says, arching back into the touch, his tongue darting out to lick his lower lip. “Maybe… excited.”

“Oh yeah?” Jared grabs two handfuls of Jensen’s ass again, squeezes firmly as Jensen leans forward, mouth latching onto one nipple while his hand slides up to find the other, fingers toying with the smooth, cool metal.

“Mmm-hmm,” Jensen hums as his teeth clamp down on the ring, tugging gently. Jared’s chuckle is cut short, a hissing gasp replacing it as Jensen pulls a little harder. Jensen’s fingers pinch the other nipple, rolling the flesh over the metal underneath, causing Jared to arch his back, pushing his chest forward as a moan escapes his mouth. Jensen’s cock twitches in his pants with Jared’s reaction, straining against the fabric. He lets out a quiet grunt with the sensation, and he’s reminded of more places on Jared’s body he’s very interested in. He shifts his hips backward just enough to give him room to slip his hand between them and grope for the waistband of Jared’s jeans. He continues sucking and biting and pinching Jared’s nipples as his fingers push the button of his jeans through the hole, then find the tab of the zipper. He pulls his mouth from the nipple with a wet slurp and looks up at Jared.

“This okay?” he whispers, breathless.

“Fuck yes,” Jared answers, just as breathless, hands gripping tighter on Jensen’s ass. Jensen tugs the zipper down in one quick, smooth motion at the same time he leans back down and takes Jared’s nipple back in his mouth. He can feel the heat radiating from Jared’s cock as he moves his hand back up, palming the length of it through the thin cotton of his boxers before tugging at the elastic and slipping his hand inside, sliding down the smooth skin of his dick. Jared gasps, his whole body shuddering with the sensation of Jensen’s hand on him. Jensen feels Jared’s hips thrust up into his hand, and he responds by wrapping his fingers around the head of his cock, thumb catching the pool of slick at the slit and sliding downward. He begins stroking in a smooth rhythm, dragging his thumb over the sensitive nerves just under the head on every upstroke, twisting his hand each time it plunges down. He works at Jared’s nipples with more force, teeth biting down gently while his tongue flicks, his fingers rolling and tugging, his pace increasing each time Jared writhes or moans.

Jared’s hands are gripping and pulling at Jensen’s ass in perfect sync with the movements of Jensen’s hands and mouth so they’re rocking together as one. Jared’s breathing is growing shallower and quicker, he’s getting close to that edge, Jensen knows, so he shortens his strokes on Jared’s cock, concentrating more on the head, speeding up his pace until Jared’s writhing under him, a string of curses falling from his mouth - whispered and breathless, not the near-shouts he’d heard before and it’s somehow better, more intimate - until finally Jared lets out a loud moan, his body tensing, trembling underneath Jensen. A groan escapes Jensen at the sound and sensation of Jared’s pleasure, his hips thrusting forward involuntarily, and that must push Jared that little bit further because he’s spurting hot white streams of come over Jensen’s hand and onto his own stomach, a long, rolling moan filling Jensen’s ears as he continues stroking, sucking, pinching, pulling Jared through his orgasm, pulling him through a wave of aftershocks, pulling him over that edge to the other side where he comes down, breathless, sweating, limbs collapsing into a loose pile under Jensen.

Jensen slowly slides his hand off Jared’s cock, giving the nipple in his mouth one last pulling suck as he leans back, sits up to look at Jared. He smiles as Jared opens his eyes, blows out a long, slow breath. Jensen brings his own hand up to his mouth, tongue slipping out to lap up the come dripping down his fingers and palm. He watches Jared watch him, sees his breath catch.

“Oh, fuck,” Jared mutters, his hands sliding around to grip at Jensen’s hips, watching and waiting until Jensen has his hand clean. “I am so not done with you yet.”

Jensen grins, then gasps as Jared’s hands slide back under his ass, his hips coming up off the couch as he lifts Jensen, turning them both and flopping Jensen onto his back on the couch. An instant later Jared is pushing between Jensen’s legs, sliding himself up Jensen’s body until their lips are pressed together again. He’s pulled his hands free from underneath Jensen’s body and is cupping his head, fingers digging into his scalp slightly as his tongue probes into Jensen’s mouth, hard and fast until he pulls a moan from Jensen. His right hand starts a slow slide, moving down across Jensen’s shoulder, his bicep, skirting over his elbow and coming to rest on his ribs, fingers digging in just a second before continuing down over his waist, his hips, his thigh. He grips at the firm muscle of Jensen’s leg before starting to climb upwards again, catching the hem of his sweater and ducking underneath, warm flesh against warm flesh slipping up his ribs to his chest, pulling the sweater up with the motion. He pulls his lips from Jensen’s, kissing across his jaw until he reaches his ear, tongue flicking out, a brief nibble on his earlobe before he whispers.

“This is a really nice sweater… but it’s really gotta go.” Jared leans up, grabbing Jensen’s wrists to pull him up to sitting before he grasps the hem of Jensen’s sweater and tugs it up and off, tossing it onto the coffee table before ripping his own shirt off as quickly as he can, throwing it aside. His hands dart back to Jensen’s body, gently pushing him backwards to lay down again, and he lurches forward to take over Jensen’s mouth again. His hands wander over warm skin, sliding over biceps, across pecs, down abs to the waistband of Jensen’s pants where his fingers slip underneath, teasing, sliding from hip to front and giving a tug before slipping out again. He pulls his mouth away and moves to bite at Jensen’s neck, his tongue following to lick at the skin his teeth have just pinched. He moves down, tongue drawing a line across his collarbone, circling the indentation at the base of his neck before kissing and sucking a zig-zag down the center of Jensen’s chest. Jensen’s breath grows faster the lower Jared goes, quiet moans escaping intermittently. Jensen’s hands have found Jared’s shoulders, kneading the warm, strong muscles. He can’t keep his hips from thrusting upward when Jared’s mouth reaches his stomach, drawing a wet line down to his waistband. Jared teases again, tongue slipping under the fabric just below his belly button, his hands at Jensen’s hips kneading and tugging, pulling his groin closer.

Jared lowers himself further, nuzzling at the bulge under Jensen’s slacks, cheek and mouth pressing across his straining cock while his hands slide to center, fingers latching onto the buckle of his belt, tugging on the leather to release the prong and pull the strap through the buckle. He makes quick work of the button, then leans up, teeth grabbing the tab of the zipper and slowly, teasing, taunting, pulling it down while Jensen lets out a long sigh. He pulls the fabric open, lips diving in to meet the cotton of Jensen’s boxers, mouthing over his dick, down then up until he finds the head and sucks until he gets the tiniest taste of precome pulled through the fabric. Jared hums at the flavor, fingers quickly gripping the elastic waistband. He glances up, catches Jensen’s eyes before he pulls, drawing both pants and boxers down as Jensen lifts up, allowing them to slide down over his hips to mid-thigh.

Jared returns his mouth to newly-exposed skin, landing at the sensitive warm skin at the very top of Jensen’s thigh, nipping and sucking, staying in one spot until he’s raised a red mark in the shape of his mouth, his hand on Jensen’s other thigh, thumb dragging back and forth across the crease where thigh meets hip. Jensen is grunting low in time with the gentle thrusts of his hips, his cock leaking a steady stream of precome into a pool on his stomach.

Jared moves toward center, lips dragging across skin until he’s at the base of Jensen’s dick, lips falling to the hot, straining flesh, tongue slipping out to find the rounded vein and licking up the length. He pauses, swirling his tongue over the bundle of nerves just under the head and feels the twitch of Jensen’s cock pressing against his mouth. He slides up further, presses the head past his lips and Jensen gasps, one hand darting from Jared’s shoulder to his head, fingers tangling around long silky strands of hair. Jensen is panting steadily now, overwhelmed with sensation - it’s been a long time since he’s felt someone touch him this way and it almost feels too good.

Jensen moans, a full sound pushing up from his stomach, as Jared takes his cock deeper into his mouth, tongue sliding down against his length. He bottoms out in just a few seconds, chin brushing against Jensen’s balls, before sucking in and pulling up again. Jensen’s thighs are shaking when Jared reaches the head again, air cooling his now-slick cock, sending a shiver up his spine. Jensen grips Jared’s hair tighter, tugging but not pushing, resisting directing. Jared swirls his tongue around the ridge of the head before taking him down again, and Jensen can feel the press of the back of Jared’s throat against the head of his dick, sending waves of pleasure through him. He holds his hips back, desperately wanting but not thrusting. He’s so close already, and when Jared pulls up again, a hard suck up his length, a harder suck when he reaches the head, Jensen can barely hold back. Jared slides down again, hands sliding from Jensen’s hips underneath to grip his ass, fingers digging into bare flesh and when he feels Jared swallow around him, his hold lets go, he thrusts forward, hot wave of electric pleasure shooting through him, muscles tightening, clenching, his cock spurting out into Jared’s throat and he’s swallowing again, taking it down, fingernails dragging across his ass now and Jensen cries out as his vision blurs and whites out and his breath stops in his chest. Then Jared is sliding up and down on his cock ever so slightly, milking and pulling him through his orgasm until he starts relaxing back down into the couch, panting, eyes clenched tight.

He feels Jared pull back off his cock, stopping at the head to lick and suck the stray drops of come before letting go. Then his mouth is on Jensen's, kissing him slowly, arms sliding under his shoulders and pulling them tight, chest to chest. They break the kiss and Jared lowers his head into Jensen’s shoulder, letting his weight drop down as they embrace, both of them quiet as they catch their breath.

“Holy shit… that was…” Jensen says, still slightly breathless, hands drawing slowly up and down Jared’s back.

“Amazing?” Jared offers, voice muffled where his mouth is buried in Jensen’s neck and kissing slowly, softly.

“I was gonna say quick, but… yeah, amazing, too.” Jensen laughs lightly. Jared pushes up, leaning back on his heels as he looks down at Jensen, smiling.

“It’s okay. We’ve got all the time in the world.”


	11. Chapter 11

Jared grabs onto Jensen’s wrists as he leans back, laying down on the couch and pulling Jensen down with him to lay across his chest, his body turned slightly sideways, feet on the floor to give Jensen room to slide in next to him. Jared leans down to lay a kiss to Jensen’s temple once they're settled, his arms wrapping around Jensen’s shoulders.

“Just so you know, I didn’t really intend for us to go there tonight,” Jared says, fingers brushing softly back and forth across Jensen’s skin.

“It’s okay,” Jensen breathes out with a sigh, his fingers tracing down Jared’s bicep. “I didn’t either, but I’m one hundred percent okay with it.”

“Me too,” Jared says, chuckling. “I’m guessing it’s been a while?”

“Yeah,” Jensen says, pausing, thinking. “A little over two years now.”

“Damn,” Jared says, followed by a low whistle. “You’re practically a virgin again!”

“Oh shut up, I am not,” Jensen says, laughing as he smacks Jared lightly on the shoulder. “Though as first times go, that would have been a good one.”

“Oh hell, that was miles above my first time,” Jared says, laughing.

“Yeah? You gonna share your embarrassing first experience with me?”

“Oh god, well…” Jared shifts, settling himself to lay down more fully, arms wrapping tighter around Jensen, pulling him closer. “What are we talking, first time fucking, or…”

“How about first time someone else made you come?” Jensen says, relaxing into Jared’s embrace.

“Okay. I was eighteen, freshman in college…”

“Wait… eighteen?” Jensen says, lifting his head up to look up at Jared.

“Yeah, I mean… I knew I was gay when I was thirteen, and I grew up in Texas, not really an understanding place, y’know? So I didn’t really get an opportunity till I went away to college.”

“Wow, yeah, I get it.” Jensen lets his hand squeeze Jared’s bicep a little tighter.

“So, I go to this party the second week of school… didn’t really expect anything to happen, though I was always hoping. I get pretty drunk - not sloppy drunk but I’m feeling good. Then this guy comes up to me, grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to where a bunch of people are dancing. He’s good looking, so I go with it, start dancing with him. Halfway through the song he starts, like, _dirty_ dancing with me, grinding his hips against me, grabbing my ass and stuff. He’s really drunk, but I’m getting really turned on, raging hard on right there on the dance floor. He leans up, whispers in my ear how he really wants to suck my dick, then he plants his mouth on me, kisses me full on, tongue and all, right in front of everyone. Of course, I’m kind of freaking out, cause I’ve never been out, but at the same time it’s really exciting and I’m thinking ‘holy shit, this is finally going to happen’ - it’s my first time even kissing a guy and I’m thinking it’s going to go even further so my mind is about to explode. So we’re kissing and grinding and I’m about ready to come in my pants right there, then he finally grabs my hand and pulls me with him through the house to a bedroom. He closes the door, unzips my pants and drops down to his knees and starts sucking me off just like that. I was so turned on already, and it was my first time having anyone touch my dick, and I came in like under a minute. I didn’t even really have time to register what it felt like, just shot my load and I was done. He was cool with it though, and he stands up, we start making out again and wind up on the bed. I figure I need to reciprocate, y’know? So I get his dick out and start sucking him - first time for that, too, so I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I try to take his dick down my throat, get him about halfway down and I start gagging and choking, he starts to pull away but it’s too late…”

“Oh, no… you didn’t!” Jensen says, laughing a little.

“I totally did… puked all over his dick… all the beer I’d drank, dinner, lunch… I think my breakfast from three days before. It was so disgusting!” Jared’s laughing so hard his eyes are welling up with tears.

“What did he do?” Jensen asks through his own laughter.

“He starts yelling - ‘oh fuck, jesus christ, god dammit!’ - and pushes me away, runs out of the room, I guess to find a bathroom to clean up. I walked out of the party and back to my dorm as fast as I could. Never saw the guy again, thank god.”

“Holy shit, that’s… that’s awful, Jared!” Jensen laughs, trying to sound sympathetic at the same time.

“It really was awful! Totally got better after that, though - learned my lesson and wasn’t so… well, rambunctious… until I figured out what I was doing.” Jared leans down, kisses the top of Jensen’s head. “What about you? What was your first time like?”

“Not nearly as traumatic,” Jensen laughs, planting a quick kiss to Jared’s shoulder. “Actually pretty boring, and with a girl. I was fourteen, still confused but going through the motions of what was expected. So I went to the movies on a date with this girl - Kristie was her name. We start making out as soon as the movie starts. It’s good, I’m getting kind of turned on just from kissing even though it doesn’t really feel right. I’d kissed a few girls before and felt the same thing - of course I’d already been having fantasies about guys that were just confusing the hell out of me. Anyway, it’s the first time I’d _really_ made out, and she’s really into it so I’m trying to be into it, too. She grabs my hand and puts it on her chest then starts grabbing at my dick through my pants. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my hand when she unzips me and pushes her hand in, gets right inside my underwear and all of a sudden she’s jerking me off right there in the movie theater. She starts talking dirty in my ear, whispering stuff about how she wants to suck my cock, wonders what my dick would feel like inside her. It’s pretty hot, but it’s not really quite doing it for me - I kind of checked out, started imagining she was this one guy on the basketball team instead. Two minutes later I’m going off, and she’s all proud of herself - poor girl thought it was her, but really I’d just decided I was gay.”

“Damn… did you ever tell her?” Jared asks.

“Nah. Not one of my prouder moments, I was just a jerk to her after that till she stopped talking to me. Never did anything with a girl after that though.”

“What about your first time with a guy?”

“That was a couple years later. Sixteen, cast party for drama club, Brian…”

“Wait… you were in drama club?” Jared pulls his head back, looking down at Jensen in surprise.

“Oh, strictly behind the scenes - I ran the lights and stuff.”

“Okay, that makes more sense - carry on…” Jared laughs.

“Yeah, not on stage,” Jensen says, chuckling. “So we’re at this party, it’s in some kid’s basement - the lights are down low and everyone is pairing off, turned into just a make out party. I’m off in the corner sitting on the floor, feeling all awkward when Brian comes up to me, sits down. We make small talk for a little while, then he puts his hand on my thigh and my dick just springs to life, instantly rock hard. I’m trying to keep talking but he just leans over and starts kissing me. We make out for a while then he goes for my pants, pulls my dick out then leans down and just starts blowing me. He gets me off, and I start reaching for him, thinking I’ve at least gotta jerk him off in return, but he pulls my hand away, kisses me again, says ‘I gotta go,’ gets up and leaves. I just sat there stunned, my dick still hanging out for like ten minutes. I finally pulled it together enough to zip up and when I go to leave - see Brian on the way out with some other guy, doing the same thing. It was definitely weird.”

“Wow, what a slut!” Jared laughs.

“Yeah, he really was. Never said anything about it - we stayed friends all through the rest of high school, and he did the same thing three more times - one time he pulled me into the bathroom at school between classes.”

“Man, I can’t imagine. I mean, getting random blowjobs, too - but being out in high school like that.”

“You weren’t out to anyone?”

“Nope, not a soul - not till college.”

“That must have been hard - I mean I wasn’t out to a lot of people, just a few friends I trusted. And, well, Brian of course.”

“Yeah, coming out was…” Jared clears his throat, shifts his shoulders a bit. “It wasn’t a good time for me.”

“Your parents?” Jensen asks, turning and shifting, leaning up so he can look Jared in the eye.

“Yeah,” Jared says, his voice breaking a little at the end of the word. Jensen leans forward, presses his lips to Jared’s softly, lingering for just a few seconds.

“Tell me?” Jensen says, barely a whisper as he settles back in, head against Jared’s chest. Jared’s hand comes up to rest at the back of Jensen’s head, fingers carding through his hair slowly. He clears his throat again.

“It… it was Christmas break, freshman year of college. By that time I was in a relationship, nice guy, Kevin. He was a little older, more experienced. He’d been talking with me a lot about being gay, coming out. He understood where I was coming from, y’know? Helped me deal with it until I was comfortable being out on campus. Guess I figured I wanted to just get it over with and tell my parents, too. It was two days before I was supposed to go back to school - took me that long to get up the nerve to do it. I knew my mom was going to be okay with it, but my dad… my dad had always been pretty open about his feelings about gays. Threw around the word ‘fag’ like nothing. I’m sure that’s why it took me so long to really admit it to myself, to accept it. I knew it wasn’t going to go well, but…” Jared sucks in a long breath, shuddering a little.

“Worse than you’d thought?” Jensen says, fingers rubbing gently across Jared’s arm, warm and comforting.

“Way worse. He got mad. Instantly, so mad. He flew up out of his chair and grabbed me by the collar, threw me up against the wall - smashed my head so hard I was seeing stars. He was yelling at me, right in my face so he was spitting on me, calling me every derogatory word under the sun, telling me… telling me I wasn’t part of this family anymore. He… he um…” Jared sniffles, eyes flowing over with tears. He takes another shuddering breath before continues. “He started punching me then, beat the crap out of me, pushing me till we were at the front door, then he threw me out - literally grabbed me and tossed me out on the front lawn. Told me to never come back.”

Jensen sits up, watching as Jared gets the last words out, then pulls him up to sitting, wrapping his arms tight around him, holding him close. His hand goes up to the back of Jared’s head, stroking lightly through his hair.

“Jared, I’m so sorry,” Jensen whispers, still holding tight as Jared’s arms wrap around him. A quiet sob escapes Jared’s throat, tears flowing freely now. “Your father is an asshole, you didn’t deserve that.”

Jared feels the knot in his chest loosen and he starts crying, sobs coming out freely as Jensen holds him tight. He’d had the same reaction when he’d told Keith his story, and he’d cried, but not like this. Not this letting go of all the hurt he’s kept buried for ten years. It feels different this time, like it’s actually leaving him now. Like the heaviness he’s been carrying around isn’t going to settle back into the pit of his stomach after this. So he lets himself cry, lets Jensen hold him, stroke his hair, comfort him with soft, murmured words. He’s not sure how much time passes, but he runs out of tears, calms down. Finally he lets go, sits back, wipes the tears from his face, sniffles a few times.

“Add that to the list of things I didn’t intend to happen tonight,” Jared says, a small chuckle and a half smile following. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Jensen says, his hand reaching up, thumb brushing away one last tear as it slips out. “I’m glad you told me that.”

“Yeah… yeah, me too,” Jared smiles again, a little broader now.

“Is… is that the first time you told anyone?” Jensen asks.

“Well, I told Keith, but… I don’t know, I don’t think he really got it. Don’t think I really let it out then. I really… I kind of feel better now.”

“Good… that’s good.” Jensen leans forward, kisses Jared again. “So… you haven’t seen your family since then?”

“No,” Jared sighs, leaning back against the couch, pulling Jensen’s hand into his lap, fingers lacing together. “I used to talk to my mom on the phone, she’d call me when my dad was out. But… she passed away four years ago, heart attack. I never saw her again after that day, and couldn’t even go to her funeral - I was afraid of what my dad would do.”

“And you don’t have any other family?”

“Just my gram - my mom’s mom. We write, and she knows what happened so she understands why I don’t visit. I want to though, someday, before it’s too late.”

“I should take you to meet my family. They’d probably adopt you.” Jensen says, laughing.

“Really? They’re… okay with it?”

“Yeah, I told them over Sunday dinner when I was seventeen. My mom said - no kidding, word for word - ‘We know, dear, eat your vegetables.’”

Jared laughs, full bellied with a full smile, dimples and all.

“But you don’t talk to them now?”

“We talk on the phone. They haven’t visited in a few years, and I… well, I can’t visit them. It’s strained, but… not broken. Things get tense whenever the subject of anxiety comes up, I know they don’t understand, they just want me to snap out of it. So they won’t visit, thinking if I just force myself I could come visit them and then I’d be over it. And I can’t make them understand that’s just not how it works.” Jensen shrugs.

“Well, maybe someday I’ll go with you. I’ll help you get there, they’ll be so happy to see you again - better, they really will adopt me.” Jared grins, holding back his laughter.

“Y’know,” Jensen says, laughing. “That might just work.”


	12. Chapter 12

It’s been two months, and Jared has essentially moved in with Jensen. Most of his clothes have migrated next door, and his collection of books and CDs are slowly making their way over, too. Jensen hasn’t had a panic attack at home in all that time, and he’s stopped waking up anxious. Of course, most mornings Jared’s lips are on him - somewhere - and it’s hard to be anxious when you wake up like that. They’re settled in, lives entwined and comfortable. And happy. 

Jensen is in the kitchen getting dinner ready when Jared comes in from work, shedding his coat and shoes before sidling up behind Jensen, sliding his arms around his waist where he’s standing in front of the stove, stirring the bolognese sauce. Jensen leans back to catch a quick kiss before returning his attention to the pan, and Jared leans down to kiss and nuzzle at Jensen’s neck. 

“How was work?” Jensen asks, not immune to Jared’s attention, but used to it by now, not letting it distract him completely. Jared sighs, letting his chin come to rest on Jensen’s shoulder. 

“Long and boring.” Jared lets his hands slide down from where they rest on Jensen’s stomach, fingers tugging at his waistband. “Need any help?” 

“With my pants or dinner?” Jensen says, chuckling. 

“Either,” Jared says, resuming his kissing and licking of Jensen’s neck. “Both.” 

“Dinner first, pants later?” Jensen asks, turning to smile up at Jared who’s relented his gnawing. “We’re out of parmesan, could you run to the market?” 

“Hmm…”Jared hums, pulling the spoon from Jensen’s hand, setting it aside before turning Jensen in his arms to face him. He rests his arms on Jensen’s shoulders before leaning in to kiss him with slow, lingering, soft presses. “Or we could set all this aside… go together?” 

Jensen sighs and lets his head fall to Jared’s shoulder, hands gripping at his waist. Jared pulls him in close, arms enveloping him, hands sliding up and down his back, comforting. 

“It’s been getting easier every time, Jensen, you know we just have to keep at it.” Jared’s voice is soft, soothing, encouraging. 

“I know… you’re right.” Jensen lifts his head, leans up to kiss Jared, hard and deep, tongue slipping past Jared’s lips to flick at his teeth. He pulls away slowly, turns to the stove, moving the pan off the burner and turning the knob to off. “Let me get my shoes.” 

They make it to the market in just a few minutes, Jensen only needing to pause for a minute before entering the store. They’ve been making these small trips out a few times a week, and Jared is right, each time it gets easier and easier for Jensen, though he still can’t stomach the thought of going out alone. But it’s progress, he’s getting better. He couldn’t be more grateful for Jared understanding and helping him. 

When they get back to the apartment building, Jared stops where they stand in front of the stoop, pulls Jensen in to him. He grasps Jensen’s face in both his hands, leans in and kisses him firmly. He pulls back to look directly into Jensen’s eyes. 

“I’m so proud of you, Jensen, you know that, right?” 

Jensen nods, smiling, and leans in to kiss Jared again, lingering this time, both of them getting lost in the moment of lips and tongues and warm breath. They’re both panting a bit when they finally break apart. 

“You keep that up, that dream I had this morning is going to become a reality,” Jensen says, smirking as he starts up the steps. 

“Dream? What dream?” Jared asks, hurrying after him. 

“Having sex, with you,” Jensen says as they make their way up the stairs to the second floor. “Outside.” 

“Hot damn!” Jared says, laughing as they reach the apartment door and he slides the key into the lock. “Not that I wouldn’t - because I’d totally fuck you outside - but I’m thinking that dream isn’t really about sex, y’know?” 

“I don’t know - maybe it was a premonition,” Jensen says, laughing as he resumes his post at the stove, working on dinner again. “But I know - it’s my brain mixing together my least anxious times and my most.”

“Still pretty hot, though,” Jared says, cupping Jensen’s ass with one hand while he reaches into the cupboard next to him to pull out the cheese grater. “Think it shows how much better you’re getting - at least your mind is willing to think about being outside, about good things happening out there. It’s good.” 

“I am getting better, huh?” Jensen says, pulling out the bowl of cooked pasta from the fridge, dumping it into the pan of sauce. “I’ve actually been thinking about… well, about going to visit my parents.” 

“Seriously?” Jared asks, pulling two plates from the cupboard, setting them on the counter, then returning to grating the brick of parmesan. “Like seriously considering doing it?” 

“Yeah, I mean… I’m nervous as hell just thinking about it, but yeah.” Jensen shrugs as he spoons pasta and sauce onto the plates, picks them up to carry to the table with Jared close behind, drinks in hand. “I mean, you’ve been wanting to go see your grandmother, maybe we could take a week and go to Texas, split the time between Dallas and San Antonio.”

“Jensen,” Jared says, sitting at the table now, smiling as he’s looking across at Jensen. “You’re amazing.” 

“Shut up,” Jensen says, laughing, face turning red.

“I’m serious,” Jared says, reaching across the table to grab hold of Jensen’s hand. “Two months ago you couldn’t get off the stoop. Now you’re really thinking about going halfway across the country. That’s pretty amazing.” 

“Helps to have someone amazing there with me.” 

“I know,” Jared says, a big grin spreading across his face. “I’m your dream man.” 

“Damn right.” Jensen grins as he picks up his fork. 

“Hey did I ever tell you about the sex dream I had about you? The night before our first date?” 

“No!” Jensen stops short, fork halfway to his mouth. “You had a sex dream about me?”

“Boy did I,” Jared says with a whistle.

“Well?” 

“I’ll tell you after dinner,” Jared says, smirking. “Don’t want to get you all excited… ruins the digestion.” 

“Uh!” Jensen scoffs. “Such an asshole!”

***

Jared groans as Jensen presses up behind him where he stands at the sink, grinds his hips forward against Jared’s ass. He slides his hands around to grope Jared’s cock through his jeans while resting his chin on Jared’s shoulder. 

“So you gonna tell me about that dream now?” Jensen says before lowering his mouth to Jared’s neck, biting down until he feels Jared shiver. 

“It was…” Jared starts, pausing to let out a sigh when Jensen’s tongue comes out, soothing over the spot he’d bitten. “In my apartment… you pinned me up against the wall…”

“Pinned your arms?” Jensen whispers, thrusting his hips forward, pressing his cock up against Jared’s ass. He feels Jared nod, his mouth still sucking at his neck. 

“You were kissing me. Pushing your… oh god…” Jared moans when Jensen’s hand slips down his pants, fingers curling around his hard cock. “Pushing your tongue into my mouth, hard, fucking… shit… fucking my mouth with your tongue.” 

“Mmm… that sounds like me…” Jensen says, slipping his hand down further, cupping and tugging at Jared’s balls. “Then what?” 

“Then you… you pushed me down on  _ holy fuck _ ,” Jared gasps as Jensen slides his other hand up under his shirt, twisting and pulling the ring in his nipple. “ …down on the table, ripped my pants down and just…”

“Just took you?” Jensen asks, his hand sliding back up to grip Jared’s cock, stroking over the head, thumb sliding over the slick slit pulling another moan from Jared. “Fucked you right there, bent over the table?” 

“ _ Fuck _ … yeah…  _ yes… _ ” Jared is thrusting up into Jensen’s hand, back against his cock. 

“Did you like it?” Jensen whispers before biting down on Jared’s neck again. “You want me to take you like that? Fuck you like you’re all mine?” 

“Oh  _ god _ ,” Jared groans, thrusting harder. “Yes.” 

“Well,” Jensen says, abruptly pulling his hands and mouth away, taking a step back toward the kitchen door. “C’mon then.” 

Jared turns to look at Jensen, sees the lascivious smirk crossing his mouth as he heads for the door, plucking Jared’s keys from the hook next to it before pulling it open and stepping through. Jared’s mouth is half open, staring after Jensen. His mind is reeling, not quite believing what’s happening. He’s not  _ so _ shocked, though, that he doesn’t shake himself back to present and follow his boyfriend next door to his apartment. 

***

Jared pushes open the door to his apartment, stepping through and glancing around, not seeing Jensen anywhere. His heart is pounding in his chest, his dick aching, straining against the denim trapping it. He feels the shaking of his hands increase when Jensen steps out of the bedroom, walking directly toward him, intent, eyes steady, focused on Jared’s. 

It’s nearly a blur, how quickly Jensen is on him, mouth pressing against his, tongue forcing in past his lips. A gasp is forced from Jared’s chest when he hits the wall, Jensen’s hands gripping his shoulders tight as he pushes him back, traps him between the wall and the warm length of his body, hips rolling forward, dragging across his cock. Jared lifts his hands, instinctively going to grasp Jensen’s hips, pull him in tighter like he’s done so many times before, but just as his hands are closing around the fabric of Jensen’s jeans he feels hands wrap around his wrists, tugging upward, raising his arms, firm pressure pushing his wrists into the wall above his head. A shudder runs through him when Jensen takes a half-step closer, pressing his body even tighter against Jared. Their arms are lined up, Jensen’s covering Jared’s, fingers entwined, wrists to elbows pressed together, the cool of the wall seeping in to meet the warmth of Jensen’s arms in the middle. Chests matched, the pressure of Jensen’s pecs against Jared’s, dragging across the rings in his nipples sending a shiver of tingling across his chest. Stomachs even, the rapid in-out of their breathing creating the slightest friction. Thighs warm where they meet, hard, tensed muscles rolling against each other. Hips thrusting together, hard lengths of their cocks sliding up, down, across when Jensen makes that minute circling motion that sends a moan up from the pit of Jared’s stomach, through his chest, up his throat and out into their mouths that have ceased to be separate parts, entwined so thoroughly that it’s one mouth now, grinding, sliding, saliva passing freely from one tongue to the other, the two muscles twirling and twining until Jared can do nothing but sink into it, his whole body releasing into Jensen’s mouth, his grasp, his thrusts. 

It feels like hours pass to Jared, his world narrowed down to Jensen and lips and the pressure of bodies, his mind clear of anything but this, now, Jensen and him and connection. When Jensen finally pulls away, teeth scraping over Jared’s lower lip, Jared is breathless, shaken back into the present with a quiet whine he can’t keep from escaping his throat. But Jensen doesn’t move far, because he’s pulling on Jared, hands wrapped around his biceps, moving them as one across the room. Jensen’s lips are on Jared’s throat when he feels the thick wood of the dining table push up against the backs of his thighs, hands sliding down his arms with a tingling electric charge on his over-sensitive body. Jensen’s fingers meet the soft, warm flesh at Jared’s waist, sliding up over his ribs, goosebumps spreading in their wake as they take Jared’s shirt upward with them. Jensen leans back, just enough to have room to tug the shirt up and off, tossing it to the floor behind him before leaning down, taking a nipple between his lips and sucking, hard, pulling an immediate gasp from Jared. 

The weight of Jensen’s body pressing against him forces Jared back, the hands pushing his shoulders aiding the movement until Jared is laying on the table, cold wood against warm, bare skin causing a shiver to erupt from the base of his spine, swirling outward to his limbs. Jensen is pressed between his legs, hard bone of his hip against tender flesh of inner thigh, his upper body draped across Jared’s stomach, lips around nipple, teeth tugging at the ring, fingers of one hand wrenching the other ring back and forth, sharp stabs of almost-pain overshadowed by waves of pleasure, his other hand working between them, unbuckling his belt, opening his button, pulling down his zipper, knuckles just barely grazing across his cock, every sensation, every movement of Jensen on his body ratcheting up a spring-coiled ball of arousal that’s seeping out of his mouth in breathless pants and moans he can’t control. Jared’s hips thrust upward, just once before a firm hand is pressing down on one side, stilling him, keeping him from moving. Jensen’s hips start thrusting though, the hard line of his cock dragging up across Jared’s balls through layers of denim, ducking lower to slide up against his ass, a ghosting pressure so near his hole he cries out a needy groan. 

Then Jensen is pulling away, grabbing Jared behind his knees, sliding him from the table, spinning him around and back down in a dizzying, fluid motion until Jared is back across the table, face down, the cool of the wood seeping across his heated, sensitive nipples. His lips come down at Jared’s shoulder, biting and sucking, his body leaned over Jared’s, hands grasping at Jared’s wrists to tug them around to the small of Jared’s back, pinning them in place. Jensen gets one hand around both wrists and then his free hand is on Jared’s ass, fingers digging into the meaty flesh, then slipping between his cheeks, pushing the fabric of his pants and boxers in to press against his hole. Jared gasps, his body bucking back against the fabric-covered fingers, seeking more, begging with muttered sighs of curses. Jensen only pushes harder, fingers against Jared’s ass, hands around his wrists. Jensen sinks his teeth into the firm curve at the base of Jared’s neck before pulling away, lifting his mouth to Jared’s ear. 

“Don’t move,” he whispers, teeth grazing Jared’s earlobe once before he stands up, releases his hold on Jared’s wrists as he takes a step back. Jared feels Jensen’s fingers grab onto the waistband of his jeans, slip under the elastic of his boxers then pull, sliding both off his hips, down his legs to pool at his ankles. He hears the clink of Jensen’s belt buckle, the slide of his zipper, then the snick of the cap on the lube bottle that must have been in Jensen’s pocket because there’s no cold shock when he feels Jensen’s fingers slide up from just under his balls, slowly till they reach his hole and begin circling. Jensen’s other hand returns to his wrists, firm pressure pushing down, pressing his hip bones into the hard table top, his breath warm against his ear, sending a shiver up Jared’s spine. 

“I’m gonna take you, Jared,” Jensen whispers, the tip of his finger slipping just past the ring of muscle, Jared groaning at the sensation, the words. “Because you’re mine, aren’t you?” 

“Fuck… yes…” Jared’s voice is barely more than a breath. He tries to thrust his hips back, desperate for the teasing finger to slide in deeper, but as soon as he moves Jensen’s hand on his wrists presses harder. 

“Don’t move… tonight you just take it.” Jensen’s voice sears into Jared’s mind, heated and heavy, sending a thrill through his whole body. He nods, feels the brush of Jensen’s lips against his ear as he moves. His agreement is rewarded with a thrust of Jensen’s finger, pushing fully inside him, fingertip grazing across his prostate making him gasp. Jensen’s voice is back in his ear then, hot and moist. “I’m gonna fuck you, hard, right here on the table… not even gonna put a condom on… because you’re mine and I’m gonna make sure you feel every bit of me… feel how much you belong to me.” 

Jared shudders. His eyes open, wide, mind racing, a protest on the edge of his lips before he remembers the conversation they’d had two weeks ago, determining that neither of them had ever had unprotected sex, both were clean, safe… Jared saying he was ready for that step, Jensen unsure, needing a little more time. His unease is instantly replaced with further arousal at the thought of it… of feeling Jensen inside him, nothing between them, closing the gap between them to utter closeness. “Oh god… yes…”

Jensen’s finger begins sliding in and out with Jared’s gasp of consent, his lips falling back to his shoulder to work at the mark Jared can already feel forming. It’s not long before Jensen’s slipping a second finger in beside the first, thrusting in and out as he spreads his fingers, opening Jared to him. He crooks his fingers, sliding against that sweet spot and Jared can’t hold still, hips bucking back against Jensen’s hand uncontrolled. Jensen slows his hand till he’s barely inching in and out, pressing down hard with his other hand against Jared’s wrists and back. 

“So eager, Jared,” Jensen whispers, his mouth back against Jared’s ear, breath renewing the shivers up his spine, teeth clamping down on his earlobe and tugging the soft skin between them. Jared moans again, half a  _ ‘fuck’  _ falling from his mouth with it. “Stay still, and I’ll fuck you. Keep moving, and I’ll tease you till you beg.” 

Jensen plunges his fingers deep again, rubbing firmly against Jared’s prostate making him groan, muscles tensing against the urge to buck back again. Jared hears the low chuckle as Jensen’s mouth returns to his shoulder, teeth sinking in. Jensen slowly increases the speed of his thrusts again, fucking his fingers in and out, occasionally brushing the sweet spot as though testing Jared’s compliance. After a few minutes he slips a third finger in, spreading and tugging at the rim of muscle until it’s opening, relaxing. Jared is pushing out a steady stream of muttered curses and moans. 

“Can’t wait to get my cock inside you,” Jensen mutters into Jared’s ear, fingers moving rapidly, the quiet squelching sound of slick motion filling the air. He grips a little tighter at Jared’s wrists as he runs his fingers over his prostate repeatedly, feeling Jared tense with the want and need to thrust and buck and react to the pleasure. He lets out an approving hum, satisfied he’s got Jared pliant and compliant, before pulling his hand away, Jared whimpering softly with the sudden emptiness. “I’m gonna fuck you now, Jared. Gonna slide my bare cock inside you, take you, make you mine… you’re mine, Jared… all mine, no one else’s… mine to take, to fuck, to love…” 

Jared groans, low and long, at Jensen’s words, still focusing on staying still, barely registering the movements of Jensen squeezing out more lube onto his hand, slicking up his cock. Jared breathes in sharply when he feels the press of Jensen’s cock against his hole, the sharp bite of fingernails against his wrist as Jensen grips tighter while pushing inside him, slick head passing the sensitive ring of muscle and slowly pressing deeper. Jared feels the warm press of Jensen’s hips against his ass and moans again. “Fuck, yes.” 

Jensen only waits a few seconds for Jared to adjust to his cock before he pulls back, sliding out till just the head remains then thrusting forward, slow and hard until he bottoms out again, hips slapping against his ass. Jared gasps, the wave of pleasure that shoots through him entirely new, the feel of Jensen’s cock, unsheathed - without the cool barrier of latex he can feel the heat of him that much more. A second later Jensen is pulling back again, leaving Jared no time to savor the sensation before he’s driving in again, faster this time. Jensen reaches up with his free hand, grasping onto Jared’s shoulder and pulling with the next thrust, forcing them together harder. 

Jared cries out with each dig of Jensen’s cock, the pace and force increasing until he’s mumbling curses with each impact. The sensation is nearly overwhelming and Jared is nearing the edge rapidly, ready to come all over the table in just a few minutes. Jensen feels how close he’s getting, slows his movement as he leans over Jared’s back, presses his chest down on top of him and again whispers into his ear. 

“Don’t come. Not yet.” 

The hot breath sends a shiver down Jared’s spine. He closes his eyes tight, lets out a long breath as he tries to rein himself in, tries to hold back the force of orgasm just below the surface. 

“Oh fuck… Jensen…” Jared mutters breathlessly as Jensen fucks into him half a dozen more times, hard and fast. He slows then, fully inside but still grinding as he lifts up from Jared’s back. He pulls Jared’s arms from between them, turning them to lay on the table on either side of his head. Jensen twines his fingers through Jared’s as he leans forward again, chest to back, arms to arms, hands gripping as he begins fucking Jared again, his lips grazing over the sweaty skin of Jared’s throat. 

“Oh  _ god _ … fuck… yes…” Jared breathes out, a shudder running through his whole body as he feels himself enveloped, inside and out, with Jensen. The words and slight shaking only egg Jensen on, his thrusts increasing in pace, hands gripping tighter as he lets the weight of his upper body fall further onto Jared’s. 

“ _ Shit _ Jared… so good…” Jensen mumbles into Jared’s ear, then drops his teeth around his earlobe, lightly biting and tugging as he continues working his hips. They’re both swathed in sweat, bodies sliding against each other with each movement. Jensen drops his forehead to the nape of Jared’s neck, thrusting his hips, desperately trying to hold back, to make this moment last as long as he can. It’s only a few more seconds before he feels it though, passing that point of no return. “Fuck… I’m gonna… Jared… come with me… oh god…” 

Jensen’s hips slap against Jared’s ass with loud smacks as he fucks into him hard and fast, groaning as he’s taken over with the pulsing grip of orgasm. Jared lets out a whining moan that turns into a shout as his body seizes, run through with pleasure, clenching against Jensen’s cock as he begins shooting hot inside him, his hips frozen momentarily, pressed hard against Jared. As Jensen starts thrusting again, Jared feels the pool of his own come sliding underneath him, spreading across the table and his own stomach. The world narrows, for each of them, to the two of them, everything else falling away but their senses of each other, the sound of their breathless moans, the feel of their bodies moving together, the scent of their sweat and come. After what seems an eternity, but it’s just a minute or so, they start to come down, movement ceasing, panting breaths slowing, hearts pounding, muscles relaxing. Finally they both return to reality, neither of them moving, both just staying in the moment of closeness. Jared takes in a long, deep breath, then lets it out slowly through pursed lips. 

“Jensen…” Jared whispers, nudging his hips up as much as he can with the weight on top of him. “I gotta…”

“Oh… right… ” Jensen mumbles, slowly pulling himself upward, easing his soft cock out as he presses a series of light kisses to the center of Jared’s back. His hands are on Jared’s shoulders as he stands up, spinning him so they're face to face and he can wrap his arms around Jared’s chest, holding him tight as he presses his mouth to Jared’s, kissing him deeply, slowly, lingering in his spent, boneless state. When they break the kiss, their eyes meet. Jared’s lips turn up in a smile. 

“Jensen?” Jared says, his hand coming up to cup the side of Jensen’s head, fingers pushing through his short hair. 

“Hmm?” Jensen hums, leaning into Jared’s hand. 

“Where the hell did that come from?” Jared says, his smile broadening, a light chuckle following his words. He watches as a red flush creeps up Jensen’s face.

“I… umm…” Jensen lets his head fall forward to Jared’s chest, Jared’s hand sliding around to the nape of his neck. “I guess I always… wanted that, I just… I couldn’t… I needed to know you wanted it, too?”

“God, Jensen,” Jared says, pulling Jensen in closer, bodies held tight together. “I don’t think I want that all the time, but fuck… you being all aggressive like that? Hot as hell.” 

Jensen breathes out a short laugh, then tightens his arms around Jared. They stand there, embraced, each of them savoring the closeness until the chill of the air on their sweat-covered, naked bodies and the itching of drying come urges them to move, clean up and fall into bed together. 


	13. Chapter 13

Jared stands in the bedroom doorway, leaning up against the frame watching as Jensen ransacks the dresser, desperately pawing through the normally neat stacks of clothes in one drawer before shoving it closed with his hip and moving down to the next. The contents of Jensen’s suitcase are already sprawled out across the floor at the foot of the bed. He can see Jensen’s rapid breathing, the sweat starting to bead up on his temple. He decides to intervene when Jensen goes back to the top drawer to start the process again.

“Jensen.” Jared steps from the door into the room when Jensen doesn’t seem to hear him, closing the space between them until he can lay a hand to the back of Jensen’s neck to get his attention. “Jensen, stop.”

“I can’t find them.” Jensen is now flinging balled-up socks and boxers from the drawer, each item landing with a quiet thud on the carpet next to the dresser. “They’ve gotta be… I can’t…”

Jared puts both hands on Jensen’s shoulders and turns him from the dresser to face him. He’s panting, sweat is dripping down his brow and his eyes are flooded with tears.

“Jensen, breathe.” Jared slides his hands from Jensen’s shoulders up to cup the sides of his face, keeping his head from turning back to the dresser. “Come on… one… two… three… four…”

He keeps his eyes glued to Jensen’s as he leads them over to the bed, walking backwards until he hits the edge of the mattress. He sits down, scooting back on the bed until there’s room enough to pull Jensen down to sit as well, nestled between his legs. He wraps his arms around Jensen’s chest, his broad hands splayed across Jensen’s sternum and stomach. He rests his chin on Jensen’s shoulder, whispering the four-count steadily into his ear.

It’s another five minutes before Jared feels Jensen’s body relax against him, his thumping heart under his palm finally slowing, his hands coming up to lay on top of Jared’s and his head sinking back against his shoulder. He feels Jensen take in a long, deep breath and push it out slowly. He tightens his arms around him and turns his head slightly to press a soft kiss to Jensen’s neck.

“Okay?” Jared says, barely above a whisper. He feels Jensen nod.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, babe,” Jared says before kissing Jensen’s neck again, nuzzling against him with his nose and lips. “What were you looking for?”  

“My spare glasses.”

“Did you break your other ones?”

“No… but I should bring them… just in case.” Jensen starts to pull away, stand up to start his search again, but Jared tightens his hold, keeps him in place.

“Even if you lose your other ones, which you won’t, you still have your contacts. Even if you lost both of those, we could replace them while we’re there,” Jared says, continuing his nuzzling and kissing of Jensen’s neck. “We’re not going to a third world country, we’re going to Texas.”

“But…”

“Jensen.”

“Jared, what if…”

“If you lose every piece of eyewear you own and there’s an apocalypse and all the vision stores on the planet blow up, I will lead you around like a seeing eye dog.”

Jensen starts to protest again, Jared can feel it in the jerking motion of his chest, but he stops himself, then breathes out a short laugh.

“You’re an ass.” Jensen leans forward enough to turn, then gives Jared a quick peck on the lips. “You’re right, but you’re an ass.”

“You love my ass,” Jared says, smirking as he leans forward to steal another kiss.

“Can’t argue with that,” Jensen says, laughing as Jared pulls them both over on the bed, shifting to cover Jensen’s upper body with his own and kiss him until they’re both breathless.

***

It’s the third time Jared has dropped his hand to Jensen’s knee to stop its bouncing in the past ten minutes. The last two times, he’s just given a quick squeeze, pulled his hand away and continued reading his book. This time, he keeps it there, letting his thumb rub back and forth over the denim. Jensen takes in a deep breath, pushes it out slowly, and tries to focus on the heat and pressure of Jared’s hand on his knee.

It works for ten minutes, until a large, bald man with a goatee walks past them and up to the attendant at the gate and loudly demands to know when the plane will board. Jensen’s breath hitches when the man, obviously not satisfied with the answer, starts yelling and making a scene. He drops his hand over Jared’s where it sits on his leg, twining his fingers with Jared’s and squeezing. Jared closes his book, drops it into his bag between his feet. He pulls his hand from under Jensen’s, quickly replacing it at the back of his neck as he turns so he can reach across with his other hand and take up Jensen’s again. Neither of them say a word, but their breathing synchronizes, slow inhales and exhales in and out to a silent count of four. They stay that way for the next twenty minutes until the loudspeaker overhead announces their flight boarding.  

***

Jared has the index finger of one hand tucked through the center belt loop in the back of Jensen’s jeans as they make their way through the jetway, past the gate and down the long corridor to baggage claim. It’s the same hand that hasn’t left Jensen since they boarded, and he doesn’t intend to let it leave until he feels Jensen relax again. It’s not like he’s minded having a hand on his boyfriend for the past five hours.

When they step up to the baggage carousel, Jared slides his arm around Jensen’s waist and tugs him in close. He leans forward, presses a kiss to Jensen’s temple before whispering to him.

“Really proud of you, you know that right?”

Jensen doesn’t say anything, but Jared can feel the slight nod as he leans his head back against Jared’s shoulder. They stay like that, watching the endless parade of suitcases roll by until they’ve both snatched up their own. With bags in tow, they make their way to the car rental desk.

They get settled into the car, navigate through the parking lot and head onto the highway. They’re about five miles down the road when Jensen finally speaks.

“I need a drink.”

***

Thirty minutes later they pull up in front of Jensen’s parents’ house, a well-kept ranch with a nicely manicured lawn. Nearly all of the tension has slipped from Jensen’s body, but the closer they got the more anxious Jared had grown, and he’s sitting with both hands gripping the steering wheel, knuckles pale.

“Jared? You okay?” Jensen asks, laying a hand to Jared’s shoulder.

“I’ve… this is…” Jared peels his fingers from the steering wheel as he inhales deeply, lets it out slowly through his mouth. He turns to see the somewhat shocked expression on Jensen’s face, as though he’s amazed to see Jared be the one who’s anxious. “I’ve never met anyone’s parents before.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jensen says through a soft gasp. “I didn’t know you were nervous about this, you should have told me, I would have…”

“Told me it’ll be okay? Told me how great they are?” Jared smiles as he lays a hand to Jensen’s thigh, giving it a light squeeze. “You’ve already told me all that. I’ll be fine, I just… gotta take a deep breath and… get out of the car?”

“That would be the first step, yes,” Jensen says, laughing as he rubs his thumb over Jared’s shoulder. “Okay, you ready?”

Jared gives Jensen’s leg one last squeeze as he take a giant breath, makes a show of letting it out and opens the door. He meets Jensen at the trunk, each of them pulling their bags out. As he closes the trunk Jared feels Jensen’s arm slide around his waist, gripping at his hip. He smiles at the comforting gesture that’s suddenly been turned upside down, and he can’t help leaning over and planting a kiss to Jensen’s temple as he slides his arm around his shoulders. As they make their way up the walk to the front door, he’s not sure anymore if the churning in his stomach is nerves or affection.

***

“Sweetie, it’s so good to see you!” Jensen’s mother beams as they step into the foyer, Jensen dropping his bag to the floor as he’s wrapped up in a hug. “How was your flight?”

“Good, Mom, it was good.” Jensen pulls out of the embrace, kisses his mother’s cheek, then turns back, reaching for Jared’s hand and pulls him closer. “Mom, this is my boyfriend, Jared.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs.-” Jared says, reaching his hand forward to shake before he’s cut off.

“Call me Donna!” Jensen’s mom says as she bypasses Jared’s outstretched hand and steps in, wrapping her arms up around Jared’s shoulders. As she releases from the hug, she lays her hands to either side of Jared’s face, stepping up on her tiptoes to plant a kiss to his cheek that’s rapidly reddened with the unexpected affection. “So happy to meet you, Jared!”

“I’m happy to meet you, too, Donna,” Jared says, smiling at her then shooting a glance over at Jensen, who is barely containing his laughter.

“What can I get you boys to drink?” Donna says, making her way into the living room with Jensen and Jared close behind.

“You don’t have to get us drinks, Mom, I still know where everything is.” Jensen makes his way to the bar in the corner of the living room and steps behind it, looking up at his mom and giving her a wink. “I know you haven’t changed anything.”

“Oh, you smart-alec!” Donna says, chuckling as she makes her way across the room and sits in an overstuffed chair. “Someday I’m going to rearrange the whole house, then you’ll be sorry!”

“And that’ll be the day we know the world is about to end.” Jensen smirks, glancing up at Donna as he mixes two glasses of whiskey and Coke, and pours a glass of wine. He nods to Jared, motioning to the drinks. Jared steps forward to the bar, picking up one glass as Jensen steps out from behind the bar with the other two in hand.

“Jared, honey, sit… make yourself at home,” Donna says as she reaches out to take the wine glass from Jensen. Jared smiles as he settles down on the sofa, sipping at his drink as Jensen sits next to him. “Your father should be home soon, then we’ll get dinner ready. I hope steaks on the grill are okay?”

“Anything on the grill is _always_ okay,” Jensen says with a chuckle, his hand finding Jared’s between them, lacing their fingers together.

“Jared, Jensen tells me you run a bookstore?”

“Oh, yeah, I started working there just after college. It’s an independent bookstore. The owner is semi-retired - I may buy it from him when he finally decides to give it up.”

“Oh, how wonderful! And you’re originally from Texas, too?”

“Yes, ma’am, San Antonio. Haven’t been back for a long time though.”

“That’s too bad - you don’t have family still here?”

“Just my grandmother. My mom passed away a few years ago, and my dad, well…”

“His father is a homophobic asshole,” Jensen interjects, then takes a deep swallow of his drink.

“Jensen - language!” Donna tilts her head and glares at her son, but it carries no heat.  

“Sorry, Mom, but there’s no other way to put it.”

“Well. You’re welcome in our family any time, Jared.” Donna smiles and lifts her glass to Jared, giving a slight nod before taking a sip.

“What’d I tell you?” Jensen grins at Jared as he nudges him with his elbow.  

“What _did_ you tell him?” Donna asks, mock exasperation flooding her voice.

“I just told him you’d want to adopt him once you’d met him - nothing bad!” Jensen laughs at the shocked expression on his mother’s face that soon breaks down into a smile.  

“Well, I guess I can’t deny it! Everyone should have family, blood or not.”

***

“I can’t believe your parents insisted we stay in the same room.” Jared is tugging off his shirt as they get ready for bed.

“I can’t believe my Dad told us to keep it down!” Jensen says, laughing as he pushes out of his jeans.

“God, like we’d really have sex with them right down the hall!” Jared laughs, pulling up his sleep shorts. “Doubt I could even get it up.”

“Oh yeah?” Jensen steps up behind Jared, sliding his arms around his waist, one hand slipping down to his groin. “Bet I could help with that.”

“Jensen!” Jared chuckles as he pulls Jensen’s hand back up to his stomach. “Your parents are down the hall!”

“Oh, fine.” Jensen steps around Jared, hands never leaving his torso, until they’re facing. He slides his hands up Jared’s chest until they’re latched together behind his neck. “Can we at least kiss? I can’t go all week with _nothing_ , you know.”

“Yeah.” Jared smiles as he leans forward, letting his forehead rest against Jensen’s. “Kissing I can definitely do.”

Jared leans down and presses his lips, gently, to Jensen’s, lingering for a moment before pushing forward, deepening the kiss, tongue flicking out against Jensen’s lips until they part. It’s a few minutes before they move to lay down on the bed, sliding under the covers and tangling their limbs, kissing slow and languid until they both begin to drift into sleep.

***

Jared sits on the edge of the back deck, sipping a bottle of beer while watching Jensen and his dad huddled around the grill a few feet away, listening to their banter as they discuss the chicken that’s sizzling on the grate. It’s the last night they’re staying with Jensen’s parents before driving to San Antonio. It’s been five days of calm for Jensen, and for Jared, too, once he’d gotten to know Jensen’s parents a little. Jared likes them, and he likes the way Jensen is relaxed and smiling all the time around them. Jared turns when he hears the screen door creak open, sees Jensen’s mom poke her head out the door.

“It doesn’t take three men to grill chicken, you know! How about some help in here?”

Jared chuckles at the chastised looks on Jensen and his dad’s faces as they turn from the grill, then jumps up from where he sits and crosses the porch, giving a nod over toward the grill as he goes. Inside, Donna sets Jared to work cleaning and chopping vegetables for a salad while she busies herself at the stove.

“Jared, honey I’m glad I got you alone for a few minutes.” Donna reaches into the cupboard next to Jared, pulling out a few spice bottles. “I really wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me?” Jared turns, knife stilling over the onion he’s slicing. “For what?”

“For pulling Jensen out of that rut he’s been in. Ever since he was attacked, he just hasn’t been himself. We tried everything to get him to snap out of it, but… well, in the end we just had to let him find his own way I guess. Since he’s met you, it’s like he’s come back alive.”

Jared takes a deep breath, smiles as he sets the knife down on the cutting board and turns to face Jensen’s mom.

“It wasn’t me. Jensen’s put a lot of hard work into getting better.” Jared glances out the kitchen window, sees Jensen toss his head back in laughter where he stands next to his father. “But yeah, he’s really come a long way.”

“You’re too modest. Nothing we did convinced him to stop hiding. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m grateful.”

“Donna, I… I think… you misunderstand what’s been going on with him.” Jared pauses, watches the shock on Donna’s face slide into curiosity before he continues. “It’s not that he _wanted_ to hide away. Jensen’s tried to work through it all these years, he’s wanted to more than anything. He’s been in therapy and taken medications, he’s tried everything. He just wasn’t ready until now.  And yeah, I’ve been there to support him, but nothing would have helped until he was ready, and now he’s the one who’s put the work in. A lot of work.”

Jared watches as Donna leans back against the counter with a soft thud, her eyes rising up to meet Jared’s as they fill with tears.

“I tried to get him to move back here. He could have… we would have…”

“Moving would have been running away for him. It wouldn’t have been dealing with the problem, it would have been sweeping it under the carpet.”

“We had so many arguments, I just didn’t know… he never told me…”

“He tried, Donna, he just didn’t know how to explain it. Didn’t know how to make you understand, not while he was in it. We’ve talked about it, he knows you didn’t understand, he’s not upset about it.”  

“I’ve felt like I’d abandoned him. I just didn’t know what to do for him.” Donna wipes a tear from the corner of her eye as it slips out.

“There’s nothing you could have done. He had to get there in his own time.”

Donna inhales deeply, lets it out with a soft sigh.

“He’s really better now, though?”

“He’s getting there. He’s still got a bit further to go, but he’s working on it. He amazes me with how hard he’s working.”

“Thank you for being there for him.” Donna steps forward then, pulls Jared into a tight hug.

“He’s worth it,” Jared says, arms wrapping around her shoulders. “So worth it.”

The sound of the screen door banging closed pulls Donna and Jared from their embrace, both of them turning to see Jensen standing there, grinning with a plate of grilled chicken in his hands.

“What’s going on in here?” Jensen sets the plate down on the counter. “You stealing hugs from my mom?”

“Damn right!” Jared says, smiling as he winks at Donna.

“Oh shush!” Donna steps across the kitchen, pulls Jensen down into a hug. “You know I’ve got plenty to go around!”


	14. Chapter 14

The five hour drive to San Antonio is filled with smiles and laughter and plenty of loud music on the car’s stereo. They arrive at Jared’s grandmother’s condo just after three in the afternoon to a warm greeting and the rich aroma of a large pot of beef stew simmering on the stove. They spend the afternoon catching up, and after dinner Jared helps his gram with some minor repairs around the house before settling in the living room to watch tv in between relaxed conversations. After Jared convinces his grandmother to let them take her out to lunch the next day, they head out to check into their hotel. 

After their lunch the next day, they return to the condo and sit at the small dining table with steaming cups of coffee. 

“Are you going to see your father while you’re here, Jared?” 

“He doesn’t want to see me, Gram, you know that.” 

“You never know, people are capable of change.” She gives Jared a pointed look, the admonishment for his stubbornness clear. Jared sighs.

“You know what he did. I doubt even ten years has changed his mind about that.” 

“I know, dear. And what he did was awful and wrong. But you’ll never know if he’s changed if you don’t give him an opportunity to show you he has, to apologize.” She reaches across the table and wraps her fingers around Jared’s hand where it sits, shaking next to his coffee mug. 

“Have you seen him? Since… since mom?” 

“Once. Last year. I was out to dinner with some friends, he was at the same restaurant with a business partner. We spoke briefly. He seemed… sad. Lonely.” 

Jared stares down into the steam wafting up from his mug, the corner of his bottom lip caught between his teeth. 

“Maybe.” He looks back across at his grandmother, sees the pleading concern in her eyes. He knows she means well, knows she considers family more important than any issues any individual person may have. She just wants the remaining unit of their family to be whole again. But seeing his father would mean an offer of forgiveness on some level, and Jared just isn’t sure he’s ready for that. “I’ll think about it.” 

“Well, I guess that’s all I can ask,” she says with a smile, standing from the table with her mug in hand, laying a hand to the back of Jared’s head and pressing a kiss to his temple as she passes by on her way to the kitchen. 

***

The sun is setting as they arrive at the cemetery, the gold-hued light casting long shadows across the grass. They walk hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, arms wrapped around each other’s waists as they make their way to the plot where Jared’s mother is buried. Jensen’s hand is firm where it rests on Jared, a quiet supportive strength. Jared has been quiet most of the afternoon, and Jensen can feel the sadness in him intensify the closer they get to his mom. 

When they reach the grave, Jared stands, stock-still, five feet away for a long time. His mind is flooded with memories of his childhood, his years growing up with his mother as the biggest constant in his life. He remembers her face smiling down on him, the sound of her laughter. He can almost feel the trembling of her hand around his as they make their way through the grocery store, her eyes stricken with fear as they load up their cart. He’d never really considered it before, but now he realizes just how strong she was. How much it must have taken for her continue on in the face of the constant fear that he knows overwhelmed her. He’s filled with gratitude for all she did for him, because in the end, he never missed out on anything growing up and he knows it would have been so much easier for her to give in to the fear - but she didn’t, she fought it, and he’s certain she did that for him. 

He finally steps forward, feels Jensen’s hand slip away from his hip where it has been resting the whole time. He lowers himself to his knees, the dampness of the grass seeping through his jeans as he reaches out and lays the single daisy he’d brought, her favorite flower, on top of the headstone. He senses Jensen behind him, stepping a few more feet away, offering him space and time alone. He leans back, sitting on his heels, one hand still resting on the corner of the stone. 

“Hey, Mom.” His voice is just a whisper, but it shakes just the same. His eyes are filled with tears, the salt burning and blurring his vision. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. Sorry I didn’t come to say goodbye. You did so much for me, fought so hard because of me. And I couldn’t let go of my anger at Dad long enough to return that to you, and I’m so sorry for that.” He takes in a shuddering breath as he wipes the tears from his cheeks. “I know you’d forgive me. You were always good at that. You’d tell me it’s in the past, and what matters is that I’m here now, right?”

Jared shifts so he’s sitting in the grass with his legs crossed, his hands absently carding through the blades in front of him, plucking a few from the ground and toying with them between his fingers. 

“I brought Jensen with me. I wish you could have met him. He’s kind and smart and funny… and he’s so strong, Mom, just as strong as you were. You would have loved him. I… I love him. I love him so much, Mom, and he makes me so happy. I wish… I wish I knew if you were happy now. I hope you’re happy, not afraid anymore. You deserve to be happy. You did so much for me growing up, Mom, I just really hope you’re happy now. I love you and I miss you…” 

“Jared?” The voice startles Jared, deep and quiet, coming from a few feet away from the grave, in front of him, not behind him where Jensen is. He looks up to see a figure, tall and looming, the setting sun behind him so Jared can’t make out his face but he thinks he recognizes the voice as he stands up. 

“Dad?” Jared takes a step backward as the man moves forward. He feels Jensen behind him moving closer. 

“Hi, son.” He’s close enough now that Jared can see his father’s face, drawn in sadness, eyes softer than he ever remembers them being. Jared feels Jensen’s hand press the small of his back, the warmth of his body beside him. 

“So I’m your son again, now?” Jared can’t help the bite of anger that surges through him, the words spitting out without a thought. He watches his father’s face fall, his eyes dart between him and Jensen. 

“Jared, I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry? You threw me out of the house, Dad. Literally.” Jared slides an arm around Jensen’s waist, hand gripping tightly at his hip.

“Jared, I… I was wrong. I was so wrong. I never should have done that to you.” He drops his gaze down to the gravestone that stands between them. “Your mom, she tried to get me to apologize for years, after she made me see how wrong I was. But I was too stubborn. Stupid.”

Jared stands, silent, eyes locked on his father. 

“It was one of the last things she said to me, before she passed. She begged me to apologize to you, tell you… tell you I love you.” He looks back up at Jared, eyes wet. “Jared, I’m sorry.” 

“I have to go. I have a plane to catch.” Jared watches his father’s shoulders fall as he turns with Jensen to walk away. A few steps away he pauses, half turns back, not looking up. “I’ll… I’ll call you. Sometime.” 

Jared turns forward and starts walking again, Jensen close beside him. When they reach the car, the last rays of sunlight are just dipping below the horizon, the sky still painted orange and red. 

The sob escapes Jared’s throat as soon as he pulls the door closed, and then Jensen is sliding across the seat, pulling Jared into his arms, holding him tight as he cries. By the time they pull out of the cemetery, the stars are flickering above. 


	15. Chapter 15

Jensen sits in the window of his apartment, watching the traffic and pedestrians two floors below through the foggy streaks of his breath and his cup of tea. It’s their one year anniversary, and he’s waiting for Jared to come home from work before they go out to dinner.

Below, he sees a couple walking their dog. A man and a woman, about the same age as he and Jared, and they’re laughing and talking, faces bright and full of energy as they walk. Jensen swipes his hand through the fog on the window, leaving behind a damp streak that distorts the image of the couple as they make their way past. He notices, not for the first time in the past year, how dull the colors seem from up here in his window.

Jensen rolls off the window seat and makes his way to the kitchen. He dumps the remainder of his tea down the drain, rinses his mug and stacks it in the dish drainer. He moves to the door where he puts on his shoes, grabs his jacket and keys, and leaves.

***

It’s half an hour before closing and Jared is standing behind the register, watching the clock. He considers closing early, anxious to get home to Jensen and celebrate. Their dinner reservation isn’t until seven anyway, so he figures there’s not much point. He smiles, not for the first time today, remembering Jensen calling the restaurant to make the reservation last night. It’s not the first time they’ve gone out - the trip to Texas did a lot of good for Jensen, and the world seemed to open up for him after they got back - but it still amazes Jared every time Jensen does something like that, fearlessly, when a year ago it would have been nearly impossible for him. The clanging of the bell over the door draws him out of his thoughts and he looks up to greet the customer coming in. He doesn’t get any words out though, because his jaw has fallen open when he sees who is walking toward him past the stacks of books.

“Jensen?” Jared says when he finally regains use of his mouth. He glances around and behind Jensen, looking for someone else, someone who would have walked here with him. But there’s no one, Jensen is alone.

Jensen continues walking toward the register, and Jared steps out from behind, tugging Jensen into a tight embrace where they meet in front of the counter. Jensen grips the back of Jared’s shirt, arms tense, but after a few seconds he begins to relax against Jared.

“Happy Anniversary.” Jensen whispers the words into Jared’s ear before pulling away slightly, eyes meeting Jared’s for a moment before he leans in, pressing his lips to Jared’s.

“How? Jensen you got here by yourself?” Jared pulls away from the kiss, hands gripping Jensen’s shoulders. His eyes are wide as he looks at Jensen, who is smiling brightly up at Jared.

“I… I didn’t know what to give you for our anniversary. I wanted it to be something meaningful, and when I couldn’t find anything, I realized it didn’t have to be a _thing_ , it could be… just a gesture. I wanted to show you how much you’ve helped me over the last year. So… I’ve… been practicing.”

“Practicing? You mean you’ve been going out, alone? And you didn’t tell me?”

“That would have ruined the surprise,” Jensen says, grinning ear to ear.

“Jensen, you’re amazing.” Jared pulls Jensen close again, arms wrapping tight around him. His heart is pounding in his chest, a tremble shooting up his spine. His mind races with the memories of the past year, the images of Jensen curled in on himself in fear, of those first few days when they’d just met and he could barely get a word out. He thinks of the man in his arms now, still struggling, but so much better, so much more alive. He thinks, too, of how much Jensen has given him, just by being himself, just by accepting Jared, always and without question, for who he is. He knows, without a doubt, that he is where he wants to be, always, right here in his arms. “And you’re okay? You’re not…”

“I’m good. I was a little tense for a while, but… I realized… I don’t want to stay inside anymore.” Jensen pulls back from the embrace, his gaze drifting up to meet the swirling blue-green-brown of Jared’s eyes, sees the tears sitting there, the smile pulling at his mouth. Jensen considers where he is today, able to step outside easily, walk six blocks, still with anxiety but not paralyzed - able to do it. And he knows he’s put the work in, but he wouldn’t have been able to do that without Jared. His life today is far from what it was a year ago, having spent so many years locked inside himself, and he’s amazed to be standing here in this man’s arms, the one who showed him how bright the world could be again. Jensen had found a new twist on the old phrase 'the grass is always greener on the other side'; it wasn't the other side that was greener, it was the _outside_ that was greener, and Jensen has never felt more alive. His stomach churns with warmth now, not fear. Jared’s arms tighten around him, pulling him close again.

“I love you, Jensen, so much.”

“I love you, too.”

Fifteen minutes later, after Jared closes the shop and turns the key in the lock, they walk down the sidewalk, hand in hand. They are heading to celebrate their year together, and the amazing changes they’ve both made for the better. But most importantly, they will celebrate their future in a world made brighter by their courage, understanding, and love - a world now so much wider for them both.

 

The End.


End file.
